Pasta Fazool

I wonder what they do with the sleeves when they make a vest.

just felt an emotion that i can only describe as “phone is bad”

I don't understand your haircut but it continues to speak to me in its incomprehensible tongue.

Being done with school, it makes me sad to know I might never dissect something again.

If my grandmother taught me anything, it's that once you take your shirt off in public to fight someone, you HAVE to fight someone.

I already have a full time job, it’s called anxiety

I can’t watch any more Olympics because I keep swatting at those little drones and these TVs aren’t cheap

"free gift"? what other kind of gift is there?

my favorite thing about the olympics are the medicine ads explaining to me how they’re going to kill me

They just started the pregame show for next year’s superbowl.

Trumpers are going to be so disappointed when they figure out that despite his name, kid rock isn’t underage.

‪Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That’s how Shakira’s hips beat those perjury charges. ‬

I love it when people cancel plans with me so I can both bemoan my abandonment and not have to go out at the same time.

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

Shout out to the free samples lady who gave me the Heimlich

The phrase long arm of the law implies that there's also a short arm of the law, which would make it pretty difficult for the law to buy shirts.

According to the constitution, you legally do not have to leggo their eggo.

I found the way to get along at work is to simply repeat only the adjective someone uses to tell you about something. So if they’re like, I have to tell you about this amazing call. I listen, pause for a second like I’m taking it in, and then say, Amazing.

I’m still hoping to eat a new kind of sandwich someday… life is a rich pageant of possibility

Tearing long strips of wallpaper off the wall at work & weaving them into my hair as one would a crown of wildflowers.

It is my birthday and you are legally obligated to be nice to me

Trumpers are going to be so disappointed when they figure out that despite his name, kid rock isn’t underage.

YOU SCRATCH AN ITCH, YOU DON'T ITCH AN ITCH

I have two siblings, but I’m the oldest so I win.

it's been a long time since anything hit my eye like a big pizza pie

[creation of the cactus]

cactme: *gets down on one knee*

cactyou: omg yes!

I tried being the bigger person today. Altitude sickness set in immediately.

punxsutawney phil (just had visions of pestilence, blood rain, malignant false idols, stillborn livestock): uuuh 6 more weeks of winter

the sea only exists because fish cry a lot