Pasta Fazool

I asked the cashier working at KFC what the 11 secret herbs and spices are, and he just told me.

In the 2000s Jack Johnson released the same song 7 times and we all let it happen

I’m like if a pop-up ad was a person

Reached the age where I begin to realize that I’ll never find a bottle with a smoking hot genie in it

What if our hands touched in the shredded cheese bag

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

A joke I like to make, and that everyone universally enjoys, when we're taxiing for a long time before takeoff is that we're driving to our destination.

The only reason Gene Kelly was dancing in the rain is because he didn't have to go to work with wet socks afterward.

WHY DOES THE SWEDISH CHEF HAVE HUMAN HANDS?

rapture happened if you can read this you are gay

When a doctor would ask if you drank or smoked and you replied yes, the whole air in the room changed

Tylenol causes elevator stops.

my 8 yr old has been an emotional tsunami and I'm a confused boat captain on this deranged ship lately

I'm not a proctologist, but I know how to be a pain in the ass.

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology!

Me: Are there any jays?

Host: No sorry

Me: I'd like to buy an owl

I once saw a drunk bee. Okay, maybe he was just buzzing.

Dave Navarro buys all his clothes at a halloween store.

Horse weddings...shopping for bridle gowns

Some of you have never polished your kids’ leather shoes on Sunday mornings and it shows

i met a girl named joyce and immediately thought, that's how a snake would say joy

no question the doritos taco flavor reboot with the fake see-through window will have fbi scratching they head

I wonder if the sex toys in the toy story universe have any good songs about losing touch with their owners’ asses

They just read the weather while we’re looking at tmz and Instagram.

I got kicked out of planet fitness for making fart sounds when people bend over.

antifa. beetifa. cricketifa. dragonflytifa

i like cool bugs
and i cannot lie

My right thumb joint has 250,000 miles on it

that Stephen King movie where aliens come out a guy's butthole seems totally plausible now

My brain is 90% useless facts, 5% anxiety, and 5% the theme song to a show I haven’t seen in 20 years.

My eye doctor said I was as blind as a bat so my transformation to vampire is imminent