Pasta Fazool

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who pinches his nose when he goes underwater.

Head of lettuce sounds like a big responsibility.

bluesky profiles should tell you whether or not someone is going to ask to see your feet immediately after you follow them

Enjoying the flavors of the season by sprinkling a couple of fistfuls of fresh pine needles over my oatmeal each morning.

Ok I totally misunderstood what pool noodles were, my bad.

Once you can put in a zipper, no one can stop you. You can put a zipper anywhere. I mean, look at pencil cases.

taglines for rfk, jr’s dept of ̶d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ health:
• it’s just measles, ya weasels
• a chicken in every pox
• poli-oh noooo
• dipshittheria, amirite lol
• hepatitis b back, bb

In talks to purchase lunch

A mustache should have to be earned.

now that i live in a household with five children i have decided that no pair of noise cancelling headphones on the market is large enough or cancelly enough

Anyways, buffalo chicken salad my beloved.

(looking down at the wet spot on my pants) i made a pisstake

They should do MyChart Wrapped

ah but I have an ace up my sleeve (I struggle to shake a full size gun out of my shirt cuff. I start trying to squeeze it out like toothpaste)

people will say anything on here “a corn dog is a poor substitute for love” no it isn’t that’s not true

flipping a MOM upside down for that WOW factor

murder, she peed in the snow

want to go to West World and do gitmo shit to the robots?

Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today

Ordered lavender pillow mist. I think my sleep paralysis demon will really appreciate the effort I'm putting in.

This is like the twelfth Monday this week.

It's crazy, but I just feel like no cares who shot J.R. anymore.

Bees have 5 eyes.

10 if they wear glasses.

I hear everyone talking about the ""carnivore diet"", but this month I'll be starting the carnival diet. Nothing but funnel cake and cotton candy

can’t. gaslighting this cashier at homegoods rn

this vacation could've been a link to the gift shop

it’s like the movie mannequin but it’s me trapped in a tj maxx having fallen in love with a bunch of travel mugs that come to life

i just used a coinstar™️ machine !

𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

It turned out those were loadbearing dead flowers.

The smell of freshly cut grass is actually the scent that plants release when in distress.

You love the smell of sad plants.