wham bam, hey it's sam

putting my bare elbows into all the drinks I buy for people at the bar to make sure the beers are a safe temperature

KISSINGER BEEFED IT LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"more like spotify wrap it up, am I right guys?"

my circled captors shake their hooded heads in disgust as one swiftly draws the sacrificial dagger across my throat and the altar's runes begin to glow gently in hungered anticipation

"...guys?"

Doctor: I’m sorry ma’am, the surgery was a failure. Your husband has gone full skeleton mode. He’s in his corpse era

tinder et al aren't working time to just go wander around in bushwick with my custom-made "fuck scooter braun" tee and see where that gets me

I bet it's because of the daylight saving changes

wondering why I have a stomach ache rn... could it possibly be having eaten a half sleeve of oreos and also a half a jar of clausen wholes?? Impossible. Pickles and cookies would never betray me like that.

I'm so done with the other place, it's this or just bailing on the medium for me I think

kinda messed up how arms and legs bend in totally the opposite directions