Stalled Traffic

Saddest words in the English language: “Time to put on my pants.”

I miss getting stoned and going nonverbal, now I can’t stfu

Kimmie! Keep talking. We wanna hear it all.

My right-wing auntie was bitten by a raccoon. Now she’s a rabid anti-vaxxer.

Too real.

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.

Age verification?

*slides out a Blockbuster card from behind your ear with a wink and a grin*

We shall delete the posts until the concept of posts is no more.

Doctor: The good news is, this is a surprise birthday party!

Patient: But my birthday's not till next month

Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

“Soulmates.” Oh dear. I thought you said “swordmates.” Embarrassing. In that case …. no.

Mounjaro works by turning all your excess weight into farts.

“When I unleash my army of mutant monsters, there will be chay-ohs in the streets! Pure and utter chay-ohs!”

“…Um, boss, are you trying to say chaos?”

“Oh whatever. I’m going to make sure they eat you first.”

i wonder how close we were to getting Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodles instead

playing a most dangerous game (opening tinder in my hometown)

Why Biden didn't just release the whole package in 2022 is incredible ethical and political malpractice.

They opened up their Christmas presents and - what do you know?! - a million Epstein documents.

Remember that time when you accidentally overlooked 1,000,000 documents about a notorious rich-guy pedophile ring that also were the ones demanded for years by the public and Congress and then accidentally found them right before Christmas? And also you're the Justice Department? Haha. Embarrassing.

With two weeks left to go in 2025, my biggest fear is that we haven't yet reached the bottom.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE CHRISTMAS PARTY, I WANT TO STAY HOME AND WORSHIP MY ELDRITCH YULE GODS IN PEACE.

We need another female soda pop. Not every woman can be a Dr.

Another definition of “scissoring” is what happens when pterodactyls make out

My Top YouTube songs of the year: Aesop Rock, None Shall Pass; White Stripes, Let’s Shake Hands. Weird Al and Eminem appear.

YouTube has successfully gathered that I am kind of a weirdo …

True dat. It’s the internet’s best Gen X hangout this side of a Mozilla online tent revival.

A 12-y.o. with poor taste? But, but, but … you’ve just described all of Bluesky. 😭

Just got a side gig for the wizard’s guild making guano. Bathroom time’s going to be much more productive.

Can't wait to *crack open a few cold ones with the boys this weekend

*go grave robbing

We found out why we call my grandfather Cheese.

[slides u a briefcase filled with spaghetti]