LeBond James

Tony Robbins once said your life is like one card in a deck. If that deck had 52 cards that range from Jeff Bezos' lifestyle to a poor child dying from starvation, would you put it back? And no one in the audience said they would. And all I could think was, "He's a big dude. Gotta have a huge cock."

Tuesdays are a great day to make your problems everyone else’s problems.

ok but can you use that other app to trade kohl's cash like we do here

"It smells like bricks and shit in here." I say as I enter a brick shithouse.

Thirst-trap boob pics but all I can think about is how bad you must need a back massage.

The best part of watching old game shows is the mental workout I get adjusting prizes for inflation.

You never think you’re gonna fist fight a nun but there was only one life preserver left and I have it on good authority they can fly

Why would I go to Mastodon when my awkward, subpar shitposting can get ignored here?

"If Mastodon blows up, I'll eat my hat!"*
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<buys stylish hat made of Swedish Fish to have on hand just in case, because I have a terrible track record of early-adopter success>

Mr Rogers was probably a really generous lover

Standing on the corner, ringing a small bell, wearing just a sandwich board that bears the truth: PUMPKINS ARE A FRUIT

Honk if you're of the age where you still use the circular arm-with-fist motion to get someone to roll down their window.

Shepherd's Crotch must be a real place.

I only have enough cringe to share on one platform.

Absolutely not. No fucking way.

don’t speak to me or my stuffed animals ever again

We left Twitter. Next, we migrate to Mastodon, where we need a shitposter quorum of 6,969. Then we begin the Third & Final Great Migration back to MySpace. Godspeed, everyone.

got fired from my job as a restaurant host because I was telling customers "park your flesh heap right over here" as I seated them

Your new Apple Watch 10 is cool bro but I'm crushing my steps goal from couch to toilet every day with this ShitBit™.

It's important to be vague...

my magic 8 ball just started adding “bro” to all its responses

Bluesky is basically a public record of your mental breakdown

Damn typos ruining my otherwise top notch posts

Thanks!

PSA: Toyota's All Wheel Drive-a-Thon has begun, which means Toyotathon is coming, which also means the Toyotathon Lady will soon begin collecting the souls she needs to survive the winter.

It's the crippling loneliness, really.

Spooky season, but it's just your mom three martinis in telling everyone about her sexcapades as a 1980s Jazzercise instructor.

It's called Fall because I'm walking down a hill scattered with acorns and slipping like I'm in a goddamn Looney Tunes episode.

Taking a bsky break, see you soon! <logs off until 2026>

Mom jeans with front pockets big enough for Pop-Tarts.