Sunshine Jarboly

The only time I unload the dishwasher is after I've forgotten to turn it on

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a safe and happy Rocktober.

May The Wattage pump in your cottage.

they say that exercise helps depression, but how did accidentally sharting on a treadmill help exactly

they said they were going to mail it to me. now i just wait, i guess.

one time at a party i was listening to our friend’s toddler babble on for about ten minutes & when he stopped i looked up to no one in particular & said, “haha, okay alex, i’ll take gibberish for 400 please.”

my 9 year old daughter & i were watching 4 hummingbirds fighting over the feeder outside when she turned to me & said, “their names are jerry, elaine, george & kramer because they clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves,” & that was when a single tear rolled down my cheek.

exactly.

The only good thing to come out of a file cabinet is liquor.

Reading is really just for people who like words.

This is the season where I dress like a taxidermist.

Decorative boulders say a lot about a person.

[me when the lady at a yard sale tells me the $35 treadmill doesn’t go that fast anymore]
that’s ok it’s for a cat

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

precisely.

exactly.

in the timeline of human history the 1970s were the most ‘driving a buick skylark into a motel pool’ era.

when i hear about a movie called one battle after another i assume that someone in the film will engage in a battle & then another one & then another one & then another one, all in succession until the very end when the character will probably realize that existence is futile.

I just quit a book three pages in when I reached a second misspelling because I expect books to be smarter than me goddammit

calling 911 to report that the body I'm in is definitely not mine

raise your hand if your life was changed forever by Mmm Cheese

at today’s softball game, my wife slowly & silently turned her head to stare at me as we heard the revolution will not be televised by gil scott-heron as our daughter’s walk-up song.

donnie wahlberg playing a detective in the tv show boston blue saying, “only in boston,” tells me that the show is set in the city of boston, massachusetts. we cannot, however, rule out the possibility that he’s talking about boston, georgia or boston, texas. we just don’t know.

today at my daughter’s softball game the coach asked if anyone in the bleachers was keeping score & i looked at him & said, “i can barely keep track of my life, coach,” & then he told me to drop & give him twenty.

exactly. i’ve been eaten by mountain lions, like, twelve times & none of them were under my control.

thank you. 🙏

thank you, i won’t. now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to get away from this mountain lion right now before it eats me.

I hate when I make a PB&J sandwich and die of lead poisoning.

Hello HR? Yeah, Darryl's putting miracle whip on his toast

I've reached the age where adventures cease rollicking