korpisworld

We are phasing out the terms “extant” and “extinct” from our exhibits and will now refer to species as either “Darwinners" or “Darlosers.”

Him: where are all the coffee filters?

Me:

On a positive note
People finally stopped saying "gitter done"

I may be sad all the time, but that just means I’m consistent

[first date]

ME: hi how are you

DATE: i'm well

ME: *under breath* this could have been an email

I just invented a meal between breakfast and brunch called brebru

The supermarket should cut out the middleman and save me time by selling wilted spinach that's already in the trash

remembering it's cabbage night and running to the grocery store in a panic

shiver your own timbers. i am done.

Deep-fried teriyaki-style ibuprofen with carbonated gravy

An order of chicken fingers is called a hand. “Gimme a hand of fingies,” you say. If you want dipping sauce you ask for them to “paint the nails.”

I have the ability to eat bread and cheese and stare into a fire for basically an unlimited amount of time and for this I think I would have made a good peasant

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

candlelit dinner where we romantically share an entire gingerbread house

Sometimes I'll throw a random object into the air unexpectedly to see if I can trick gravity just this once. It never works

sorry if I smell like trash I’ve been rooting around in the trash for valuable trash

Bringing out a minuscule meal in the break room to appear larger and more intimidating to my coworkers

It would take 1.4 billion cats stacked on top of each other to reach the moon. But I've never been able to stack more than 3 or 4 cats so I just don't see it happening

Saw someone with the same teeth as me at the coincidentist.

The key to good job security is to make yourself indispensable to your employer (e.g. by withholding the antidote)

the nectar of the dogs (puddle water)

i hit a button on my newly invented switchblade broadsword and the whole thing launches out of my hands and disappears over the horizon. i never explained what it was supposed to do so everyone is cheering and going nuts

(Wading through waist-deep pitch black water) Yeah so my place is just through here

i hate the first few months after you get a new pit installed where you keep falling in it

if you ever want to eat a meal of oats, it's hard to go wrong with "oat meal"

Big news: I just successfully took delivery of a package without talking too loud or saying "very thanks" or inexplicably trying to shake hands with the delivery guy

Should I start to worry if the gooey substance leaking through my walls is whispering in Latin?

my cat is in my room. i cannot see her but i can feel her evil presence.

Eating a sundae with a long spoon is the height of decadence. The longer the spoon the more decadent it is. Ideally you shouldn't even be in the same room as the sundae

Do atheists believe in Godzilla?