Dan Fitzpatrick

Judges really get pissed when you kick off your testimony with two truths and a lie

I just found out that
"T.S. Eliot" stands for
"That's So Eliot!"

China hosted the first all-robot soccer game today. It’s the perfect sport for robots since the score is usually just zeroes and ones.

No doubt that at some point in the past hour a bunch of ICE agents were frantically googling “comptroller”

In the year 2025, staring contests aren’t hard because you can’t blink. They’re hard because you can’t look at your phone

Doctors say Q-tips are bad for you, so now I scoop out my earwax with a needle I found in the park

Tough day for everyone who thinks the Vice President doesn’t have any power

To learn more about the succession plan for an elderly Christian leader, see either Conclave (2024) or The Santa Clause (1994).

There’s nothing sadder than a self-published self-help book.

“Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”

“Ya know, you’re actually more likely to be hurt by a dull knife.”

- me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie

Do you still like Bon Scott’s bon mots when he has a mouthful of bon bons?

23andMe’s bankruptcy is a major win for those of us who collect people’s saliva not for money, but just for love of the game

I’m sure nothing beats the Italian ingredients though. Another casual Italian place with nyc location to check out: Trapizzino

"I'm alive!" said Gatsby, roaring past on a speedboat. He'd faked his own death and gotten away with everything. That's why they called him the Great Gatsby. "Out of the way, current!" he yelled at the water. "This speedboat is bearing me ceaselessly into the future!"

Every time I read The Great Gatsby, the final paragraph brings me to tears. Breathtakingly powerful writing:

“Splitting the G” on a Guinness pint has become a sensation, because there’s nothing Irish people love more than being split along an arbitrary line.

The rule where you get a leprechaun’s gold if you catch them actually applies to everybody. It’s called kidnapping.

Me walking into the theater to see Bill Burr in Glengarry Glenn Ross without paying: “It’s cool, I’m a comic. I’ll just stand in the back.”

BROKE: digging through celebrities’ trash

WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling

Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.

Laughter is the best medicine, but it won’t cure the fake disease I made up for my latest piece in @pointsincase.com

www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...

Pretty ironic how you can’t get a farmer’s tan by wearing a crop top.

I may be part of the Participation Trophy Generation, but think of all the trophy factory jobs we created

I am deeply sorry to inform you that you’ve spelled the title wrong

EXT. FRENCH BATTLEFIELD - DAY

SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted.

SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family.

SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War.

SOLDIER 2: What

Reminder: this TikTok ban is going to be really hard on your friends who don’t read.

Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.

When it comes to fashion, strippers really can pull off any outfit.

The world needs laughter now than ever, which is why I will not be apologizing for bringing this to a canned food drive.

Notre Dame might be the best school in the country that mispronounces its own name

Thanks! And I’m sure your coworkers and girlfriend would appreciate it if you stayed in character all day long

There’s Shareholder Value in Them There Hills Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.

After seeing too many Westerns and spending too much time on LinkedIn, I wrote this little number for @pointsincase.com

www.pointsincase.com/articles/the...

Wicked shows us a daringly magical world where all college students are in their 30s