Meghan

Just popped a second ibuprofen, so yeah, I party

Based on research, I have concluded that when my toddler says ”you look so pretty, Mommy”, What she means is, “you’re not wearing leggings and I didn’t know you own real clothes”

Wife: The new neighbors are so quiet

Me: I knew moving next door to a black hole would pay off

Wife: something else just got sucked off the porch

Me: meh, it’s worth it

Vacuumed up some dried lavender that spilled and it smelled pretty good, follow me for more homemaking tips

New pope: (walks into the Vatican carrying a sink)

The whole world: omg no

especially now I think it’s important to underscore the importance of now especially

in England, "strawberry" sounds like "robbery" and that's all you need to know about them maybe

If you love something, set if free. If it comes back that means no one else wanted it. Set it free again.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

Subway should be able to make me a little charcuterie plate

YOU: Yes
I: No
YOU: Stop
I: Go Go Go
(Oh No)
YOU: Goodbye
I: Hello, Hello, Hello
YOU: Goodbye
I: Hello, Hello, Hello

- Paul McCartney, Playwright

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

an inferiority complex? you mean dilutions of grandeur?

rip jesus you would have hated la croix

I can’t believe there’s a movie called, “IT,” and it’s not about playing tag.

I'm not saying I don't have a green thumb, I'm just saying my kids have started calling one part of the dining room "dead plant corner"

me: I'm not old

also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on social media is not zero*

Welp, I just reached my move goal.
<refuses to move again until tomorrow>

they probably had to name it ‘scoliosis’ because ‘s-curvy’ was taken

I asked my kid to help me convince his toddler sister to put her boots on. He was successful! Unfortunately, his trick was to tell her that I’d give her chocolate if she put her boots on. I don’t have any chocolate.

Boss: Can you work late tonight?

Me: Sure, let me quickly move the webcam so you can explain to my dog why there’ll be no couch cuddles tonight

Dog:

Boss: Go home, you can finish it tomorrow

I’m gonna try to go to bed early this week [goes to bed even later than usual every single night]

Check your Hesperus before you wreck your Hesperus

What is botox if not a murder of crow’s feet

I don’t have a podcast yet, still distributing trifold handouts covering various topics with a blank response section for anyone who wants to be a guest in my brochure.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

me: *notices I'm cleaning stuff I usually don't, wonders if I'm avoiding something*

later me: oh yeah. taxes.

Trying to make small, manageable changes like eating ordinate amounts of peanut butter cookies

fuck the mute button we need an ancient curse button