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An igloo made of toupees: wigloo.

KID: what does "estimate" mean?

TEACHER: take an educated guess

KID: how bout u just fucken tell me

god made eve by splitting the adam.

baloney is just flat hot dogs

Once again my horse "Two Drunk Guys in a Horse Costume" has failed to win the Kentucky Derby

Anchorman: And now for weather, how are things looking outside
Weatherman: Good, how are things inside
Anchorman: Good
Weatherman: Good
Anchorman:
Weatherman: Gina left me again

Two very large brown bears are standing on their hind legs. One is behind a tree with one paw wrapped around the trunk. The other is in front of him with most of his back towards the camera. Both have their mouths open.

"I'm telling you we're out!"

"Carl, our family built a career on toilet paper, don't tell me we're out!"

If Sasquatch and Mothman pull up in a white panel van and ask if I'm up for an adventure, I'm getting in the van.

Damn lizard people

I'd tell them I was five but are my veggies without complaining so I grew faster

Nothing brings people together like contempt for bad pick up lines

Our final form. Hunched and nuts!

Imagine sex with me

Wrong, I'm over here

Wrong again, I'm asleep

"I.. may have... finished the laundry," I whispered, then closed my eyes. Now I wait for the universe to do its thing.

We need to spread the word
Too many people are living without being yelled at, on social media

Flirting 101

Fitness freaks everywhere

Nothing like getting to know someone over a sunrise.. women live surprises

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

That feeling when you're done at work for the day but still have 3 hours till you can clock out.

Not the best feeling.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

My dog just heaved the biggest SIGH that I ever heard in my life like dude it’s just Monday the week is barely started get it together

Exfoliating my skin with chip crumbs.

Welcome mat reads “THIS IS NOT A METH LAB.”

cop 1: shit, what now?
cop 2: check the address again
cop 1: this is the one they gave us
cop 2: but it says-
cop 1: yeah bill, i can read

I thanked my husband for cleaning the kitchen, and he said he didn't clean it. I thanked my son, but he said he didn't clean it, either. That leaves me.