Official Joke Register

What did the mother penne say to the baby penne who was staying up late?

It's pasta your bed time.

What is the motto of the Pasta Bank of Italy?

A penne saved is a penne earned.

German women are particularly superstitious on Frauday the 13th.

someone stole my dish of hot potato covered in cheese, so I'm persona non gratin

How do I smuggle candy into the movie theater?

Let’s just say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

After an autopsy, the coroner flips the body over and performs an auturvy.

i'm in a very serious long term relationship with all my appliances

they're called hummingbirds because they don't know the words

Presently watching a Bollywood musical about India's hereditary social hierarchy. The plot's a bit hokey but it has an excellent caste.

Waiter: and your ice sir?

Me: oh I’d like it crushed

*we high five

A dread so thick even jokes can’t crack it.

Thinking about commissioning a sculptor to sculpt a bust of me, but that would be getting a head of myself.

I’m one and done with French river cruises. Another cruise would just be more of the Seine.

My parents went to China so study Taoism and all they brought me was this Lao Tze T-shirt.

#LunchPun

Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.

Speaking to a group of college professors is like talking to a bunch of tenure olds.

I accused the hospital of improperly amputating my ass cheeks, so they offered a rebuttal.

British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good

British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good https://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/

Just told a joke on a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed.

Apparently I’m not remotely funny.

Upon death, mimes are seldom cremated. Usually, their bodies are donated to silence.

In the night skies of alternate earth exists a constellation of a man named Orion who is having a hard time keeping his pants up.

Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Jeremy Nguyen. #NewYorkerCartoons

ME: have you seen my camouflage pants

WIFE: no

ME: damn they’re good

called an uber to go to the podiatrist, dude showed up in a toe truck

Please don't pick faults with my pets cos I don't take crittercism well

"I stayed at a revolting Motel, it was called the Fiddle. It was really a vile inn."

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?"
"A flat minor."

Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Brendan Loper. #NewYorkerCartoons