Andy

Why is there never a queue for that one elevator in men in black?

This was me the other day 😂

Measures of alcohol to me are like when you watch a cooking video and it says "season to taste"

Are the other 3 players still you? 😂

I play Hungry Hungry Hippos with my psyche meds.

False alarm, I was just hungry. Everyone get back on the plane.

hey, hi super quick: you don’t have to put ‘NO DMs’ in your bio you can just turn off DMs in your settings ok thanks bye

Your fish cakes bring all the boys to the yard

advertising for cheese? why. isn't that a basic right

A middle-aged man sits next to a pelican on a park bench.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a...”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

😂🤣

[Sex Shop]

Me: *holding 37 dildos*

Shopkeeper: may I help you?

Me: where are the fitting rooms?

A Popeyes chicken restaurant. The sign on the back of the building where the drive-thru is, has lights out, so it says "eyes."

I wonder what they serve.

Guess you'll have to see

Fuck these people!

~ me, giving directions at an orgy

HER, FLIRTING: *Spins a bottle*

ME, TRYING TO BUILD A MINIATURE SHIP: Oh no

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

The cashier: You gonna buy the beer or what?

Me: Do sloths lives flash before their eyes super slow when they're about to die?

Therapist: Didn't you take a second job to pay for this

hey 👋 looks like you posted a joke, mind if i explain it?

Damn. Leave some existential dread for the rest of us

Sooooooo......
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........where's the essay?

this place doesn’t have the juice until i have bots offering to write an essay for me on a post about piss and shit

Me in the whitehouse on a daily process:
*Strokes red button with two fingers*

you like that bby? Yeah you like it don't ya!

Sames.

I need more sh*tposter starterpacks

I must hoard all of the shit

Starting over sucks

Talk to your doctor to see if shutting the fuck up is right for you.

This is gold(en)

Sometimes I put the lit end in my mouth just to feel something

If you're experiencing joint pain, dont hold the lit end.