Tickled Catastrophe

I'm sorry, my walk-in pantry must be in my other house.

The word is a vampire.

“Thriller” is my favorite song that has an evil laugh in it.

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

a guy down the street from us is giving out garlic bread and i need a few more costumes

By the way - everything I ever skeeted is off record. Just letting you know.

NEW: There’s a disaster unfolding in Alaska right now. And no major network is covering it.

The remnants of Typhoon Halong battered western Alaska overnight. Homes, with people in them, have literally been swept into the Bering Strait.

At least 20 are missing. No comment from any federal agency.

at my funeral everyone is allowed to take a little piece of me home as a party favor

Oooh, watch out for the scary antifa animal crossing in war ravaged Portland 😂

“The MAGA Gang [is] desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it.”

Jimmy Kimmel

I don't feel old today but there are signs. I'm overjoyed that they repaved the ginormous crack in my grocery store's parking lot.

Settling in for the evening with my ice cream ladle

Feeling like a girl moss.

im starting a band. we don't play music. we write op eds. our name is Better Than Ezra Klein. the band is just me (so far)

Stroke signs F A S T 24/7 face drooping arm weakness speech difficulty time to call emergency

We should all know the signs of a stroke.

My three core values are distraction, delusion and whimsy

Do you think Hamlet and Ophelia had a 'ship name and was it Omelette?

Save us, cryptids

The past tense of scream should be scrumpt.

the most important question when choosing a steak house is what are the potato side dishes

Forgive me for working blue, but “Department of War” is pretty much the all time winner for compensatory small dick energy.

dear universe,

if you are going to kill off multiple Big Bads at once, and by all means go for it, remember basic mixtape structure.

don't go too hard all at once. let each track breathe and then keep the energy growing.

you get one shot. do it right, and she'll definitely fuck you after prom.

my wife just got back from her book club of mostly offline people and i can report that the rumor has broken containment

Yours truly, a frustrating sack of electrified meat & muscle.

Gratis means free potatoes.

We’re done here.

At this age "get it girl" typically refers to that new prescription

Thunder so hard you think horses are running through the sky.