MsEllaSimone

It’s a "crisis" when immigrants "take jobs away", but "innovation" when machines do. Funny.

This man is either homeless, and has secured a bed for the next year, or is partially living out their dream for the lifestyle of an international DJ.

Either way, I fear this post is sidetracked my day to a ruinous point as I open GoogleMaps start calculating his weekly travel hours #annualleave

I did wonder if moving out of London I’d have people trying to get me to join these things, but no one has so far.

It’s better I don’t know my neighbours thoughts on everything - it’d just make me hate them

Tawny owl

Six weeks ago, I picked up a year-old tawny owl with a broken leg off the main road near our home and dropped him off at our nearest vet.

After a few days, I received one of the most bizarre phone calls I’ve ever had, asking “So when are you coming to pick up your owl?” 🧵

I’ve never been in a street / area WhatsApp group and if anyone tries to add me to one I’ll be putting cat shit through their letterbox

That Hegseth prick’s speech was just this, wasn’t it?
Well this is what I heard, with FAFO proudly scattered through the lyrics.

£6 for a medium chips. Cunts.

Chippies down here are bullshit.

They don’t have the extras that make chippies great, and it costs £25 for haddock and chips.

Doesn’t he know it’s called a beach?

People think that football is the UKs main sport. It’s not. It’s getting horrifically drunk then bragging about the amount you drank & the horrendous things you did whilst drunk, how you’ve had no sleep and are probably still drunk.

Then you say ‘I’m never drinking again… UNTIL TONIGHT!’

Happy Birthday Terry!
I hope you’ve had a lovely day

I have 10 first cousins.
My dad has 81.
I’m too scared to go any further

Seems so. It’s seems you’re both happy, though, so alls well. Apart from the broken leg. How’s the recovery going?

Exactly!

Oh wowsers. I don’t know any of this! I think it’s 51 weeks since we were dancing in a field… lots can change in a year.
Glad the change has worked out and you and MrBearf are still on each others sides xx

I’ll tell Suki she’s been renamed

Don’t bother replying:
I really don’t care and this has already taken up far more time than I’d ever imagined making a flippant comment on a bullshit story.

Bye!

I’m just responded to the person saying she better hope he doesn’t report her for blackmail, that she didn’t blackmail him, based on the version of events we have.

I’m basing it on the version we have.

I’m not spending my Saturday inventing a variety of permutations to make her being a blackmailer fit.

That would be insane.

Female. What’s her name?

He bribed her, she didn’t blackmail him.

Alright, Mariah Carey.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Why? Does the left have a huge surplus of lasagne?

Dog days

Look how lovely my garden looks now I’ve put a big red dog in it

#SummerDogTime

Back to work after a long weekend where I ate all the seafood and received a summerdog

You should always keep it. Take it home. Put it in a jar.
When there’s enough of them you can squish them together and make a voodoo doll of yourself.

My heating was the same. House was cold and I hate big white radiators to bought sexy brass vertical cast iron radiators. Get the installed and the plumber tells be the boilers great. The radiators are great. The pipes are fucked. Had to get the whole hose replumbed.
Expensive invisible shit