Paul

Saw 3 commercials showing Bill Maher's face so I turned it off.

My god there are some dumbass people in this country. Like, intentionally fucking stupid. And they’re loud in proportion to their stupid. Is it a brain chemistry thing? I swear to god it is. Anyhoo here’s Wonderwall

That was last month's distraction.

Has anyone checked on Venezuela

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird

[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

not wearing a bra to the hospital feels a little illegal everyone please avert your eyes these are my bedroom boobs

I guess Mike Johnson missed law school the day they taught all of the laws.

I don’t consider myself an avid reader but boy do I love reading too much into things

Sadly, this is NOT satire.

I posted something on social media and now a stranger in the replies is yelling at me about my improper grammar. In this essay I won’t—

face id only recognizes me when i have a shredded cheese beard

Yall.
I DREAMT MY PHONE RANG & I WOKE UP TO ANSWER IT.

UGH.

Me (when someone quotes my post): No, bitch

Me (when I quote someone's post & they detach it): No, bitch

Kind of tough to get anything done when you have a 40 pound barnacle of love glued to you with no intention of moving.

At least he's keeping me warm.

Before your next gynaecological appointment or visit with the proctologist why not pop a ‘Made in China’ tag up there, just for shits and giggles.

Not now motherfucker, I have shit posting to do.

When a basset hound's jowls droop, it's adorable, breed appropriate and perfect, when mine do it's unnatural, unsettling and I'm melting.

*Groundhog Day pitch meeting* You know how some rodents are clairvoyant?

you're in her dms.
i'm in her dms too. thank god we found each other. there's no way out. it's been 2 months and i've run out of food & fresh water.

Of course I self medicate, do you want me out there medicating other people?

The last time I stuck my fork in the toaster I could remember what color corduroys I was wearing when I ate my first Dorito

“I’m more worried about reality than fiction.”

Call me Groundhog the way I open the door, look outside, say fuck that and head back to bed for another 6 weeks.

I still have all the stuffed animals Grandma gave me when I was a baby. I miss her. She was an amazing taxidermist.

Bad Bunny is a very good bunny. 🐇

Hulking out twice a day on average now. Stopped wearing shirts two weeks ago. Can't afford it.

Rumor: "ICE might be moving to small towns in Ohio next. Small targets where they think they can succeed discretely, and won't get many protesters."

Bitch, some of us live here! 🤬 Don't wish that on any of us! None of it is "small."

ABOLISH ICE, everywhere, forever.
🖕🏻🧊

Deleting memories of my last few birthdays to make room for a new memory of a cool rat I just saw at the train station

Nobody says "let's rock and roll" any more. Now they mostly say stuff like "put that down" and "stop biting me"

I would like to have sex again one day but I would not like to use this body to do it.