Doug Bayne

I have imposter syndrome but in a good way.
I'm smashing it as an imposter.

I met a model.
It was disappointing.
Same size as a regular person.

I’m not accusing you of cheating,
I’m congratulating you on cheating.

I want the truth, dammit!
...as long as it’s exactly what I believe already.

It’s embarrassing that I have to cut my fingernails.
Means I’m not scratching enough motherfuckers in the face.

Quiet please.
This is a street library.

Now is the time!
Full disclosure: Now will also be the time later.

I want to soar on the wings of an eagle but not eat uncooked rodents like an eagle.

It’s lucky we invented omelettes.
World would be flooded with chickens if all those eggs hatched.

oo, that opens up a lot of song lyrics.
all the girls you wolved before

well they finished him, so they can't have hated him.

Rain is when a cloud just gives up.

Fantasizing about sex with a celebrity?
Remember to imagine the disgust on their face.

Alzheimer's is named after Alois Alzheimer, the German psychiatrist who described the condition in 1901.
But you probably knew that.
At some point.

I’m time-poor but only because I’ve time-bankrupt myself.

I’m not an anti-vaxxer but I am a little bit pro-virus.
Call me old-fashioned but I think kids look cute in leg braces.

He died surrounded by loved ones,
assuming he loved wolves.

I just hope they come up with a self-sniffing flower soon. Save us all the effort.

No time to stop and smell the flowers?
For a small fee I can shoot flowers at your nose as you hurtle past.

They’ve got vegetarian freeways now, where if you hit an animal it doesn’t die, it just starts writing a fringe show about the trauma.

Woop!

I worry that if I’m not telling lies on the internet, somebody worse could be.

Sleeping beauty pricks her finger at 16, sleeps 100 years, gets woken by a prince.
That’s a big age gap.

Red Cross consider rebrand to Green Tick

Reading an avant-garde novel written using only the space bar. It’s called ‘sketchbook’

Humans make trouble when we're bored.
If only there were a constant string of terrifying emergencies.

I don’t want sweet and sour chicken.
Just bring me the sour chicken.
It had less to live for.

Trust your feelings.
Except hungry, sleepy, horny and bored.
Those are legitimate feelings but need supervision.

Fiveeeee
Fourrrr
Threee
Twoo
One
Zer

And God knew they had eaten the forbidden fruit,
for they were so high they were talking to a snake.