I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.

I'll have a glass of 1% milk. Please make the other 99% Kahlua. #dadjoke

Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn. #dadjoke

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in Sacramento. #dadjoke

The average couple argues 312 times a year per a recent article.
I say It's actually 310 but try telling her that! #dadjoke

The best part about getting older is placing an on-line order and then three days later wondering why a package arrived at your house. It's like I joined the Present of the week club. #dadjoke

As a young child my Parents told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft. #dadjoke

Last night while at Walmart a woman rammed a shopping cart into a window, then yelled at a store employee because it wasn't a door. I hired her to be my life coach. #dadjoke

It is impossible to hum while holding your nose closed.
You're trying it now, aren't you? #dadjoke

I am convinced that Humming birds are just regular birds on meth. #dadjoke

I grew up under the threat of nuclear war. Forgive me if I can't muster the appropriate terror at the prospect of gluten in my sandwich. #dadjoke

When people are standing behind me at the ATM, I say "Wait for it. Wait for it!" and when the cash comes out, I yell "Ahhh! The money shot!" #dadjoke

The neighbor kid just got an electric guitar. I am thinking of getting him a chair to match! #dadjoke

Thinking about taking a cruise to Mexico in a few months. I'm a little concerned because the only Spanish I know is "Swiper, no swiping!!" #dadjoke

I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen. #dadjoke

You know those first two guys that thought Superman was a bird or a plane? What the hell were they so excited about? #Dadjoke

I've never seen someone get murdered but I did once watch a girl get proposed to in a Sizzler. Close enough I’d say. #dadjoke

To cope with this economy, it seems like tons of people are investing a lot heavier in their 420 Program than their 401K Plan. #dadjoke

Just coughed up a phlegm ball so big it took my dog 20 minutes to chew it up!

And on another note, A dyslexic hooker just offered to cook my sock...

My wife says that even if something happens and I end up in a wheelchair she'll still have sex with me.

See you all later, I'm gonna go buy a wheelchair!

I want to be reincarnated as a panda bear in captivity. At least then somebody (other than me) will try to get me laid.

How are all my Twitter friends doing? Oh wait, wrong social network. Sorry.

Saying "Wow, she's hot" to a friend as a good looking woman walks by, and hoping she hears and then talks to me, was the extent of my "game".

Am I buy-curious for reading Consumer Reports?
#dadjoke

I just love my satellite navigation. I just don't know where I would be without it! #dadjoke

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me. #dadjoke

Going swimming today at a public pool. Or as I like to say, about to have a PG version of a golden shower.

I just beat my own record for most consecutive days without dying. #dadjoke

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.