Mikey Eff

We built a calculator that doesn't work, but don't worry, it's also a plagiarism machine that will tell you to kill yourself. It runs on the world's oceans and costs 10 trillion dollars.

Bold claim Taylor!

John Fetterman’s a disgrace to the oaf community. He does not represent America’s lumbering buffoons, ham-fisted galoots, or men whose heavy footsteps are soundtracked by a tuba.

i'm also coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine, i just didn't write a whole song about it

Bad news, Radiohead fans. The band has finally revealed what country “The National Anthem” is the national anthem of: Loserville

*walking in a winter wonderland*
ME: where's bluebird?
BIRD: gone
ME: w... who are you?
*bird looks around shiftily*
BIRD: I'm new bird

Angels: fake
Dragons: Real but extinct
Leprechauns: Real but I think their powers are more limited than stories would have you believe. Critically endangered.
Chupacabra: I don't want to speak over latino voices on this one. I'm listening.
Bigfoot: fake and extinct

Like I get why someone would say “Hey the guy had kids, think about them when you’re celebrating the man’s death” but I gotta say if my dad died and tons of strangers THRILLED about it I think I’d be a little curious as to why and if I already knew why maybe I wouldn’t think my dad was so great?

It definitely seems like the 3rd or 4th time he's told one of these types of stories. And I've loved most of them, but I am really looking forward to seeing something different with Superman.

JIGSAW: all your life you've really drowned people to death in urine by being late all the time
VICTIM: boy I don't like where this is going

To be fair she does look like a chicken.

Look, do I regret betraying my siblings? Sure. Would I do it again for the great taste of Turkish delight? Of course I would

i admit i live in an echo chamber of leftist politics, the only exception being when i hear things said by the president, the next president, the supreme court, members of congress, people on the news, my family, or people i encounter in my daily life.

Therapists should have to work in pairs, each trying to persuade you to take their advice, and one of them should be evil

doctor: you are sad. the B-52s are performing tonight. go see them, they will cheer you up
fred schneider: but DOCTOR

The grim reaper doesn't kill you, right? He just escorts you to the afterlife? Why does he need to look like that then. Clean yourself up man, I'm not going anywhere with you dressed like this

Might be basic, but this guy gets me.

I get such a thrill reading folks being fired about something I know nothing about. This was a great read!

“skeets” ❌
“tweets” ❌
“posts” ❌
“slunts” ✅ ✅ ✅

Thinking of getting someone off fiverr to follow me round in the role of a sort of scheming vizier. They can say stuff like “of course, you know best,” before pausing for long enough that I bark “out with it then!”, and then they go “perhaps if I may…” Shit like that. Six dollars an hour.

*listening to radiohead* what’s this guy’s problem?

Deer Ole Dad! I also welled up!

Normal, simplistic RPG: Brave hero, the forces of evil grow near. Please kill 3 giant crabs for 10 gold.

Complex, well-written RPG: For who can even say what is good and what is evil? Please kill 3 giant crabs for 10 gold.

man on the one hand I want to have a vibrant social life full of thrilling events with varied and fascinating people and on the other hand it is Saturday night and I want to watch murder she wrote and go to bed at 9 pm

a radioactive supervillain named H.R. Geiger would have been a great Venture Bros character