мαттαтoηιc

I’m pretty sure wild hamsters could drag me away. I’m not a strong man.

Starting to think that Disney really bought Star Wars for the business model. "The Empire, yeah, that's how shit gets done"

Tumblr post with a picture of pinky and the brain Redstopgringo says “Are Pinky and the Brain still trying to take over the world? Because at this point I’m willing to hear the Brain’s platform” the-other-sandy replies “At this point, I’m willing to hear Pinky’s platform”

New #LiquidDeath idea:
Berry You Six Feet Deep

Thought this might be worth reposting

TV screen capture of an older woman in a pink sweater captioned “Could breathing help you live longer?”

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

My emotional support banana just split

A little disappointed with that cop's manners when I offered him a sausage from my dashboard hibachi, tbh

a royal rumble but every two minutes a new snack enters my mouth

Where does one buy a light saber?
At the Darth Mall?

Apparently I missed a semicolon, whoops

Anyone else sick of logging in to "single sign on" apps and pages on your work computer about 400,000 times a day?

My dad died in a city built on rock and roll you son of a bitch

No. I don't want to date.

Just let me get fat and collect cats in peace.

In Florida, you can't bring peanuts to school, but polio is A-ok

it’s gonna take a long time to uncluster this clusterfuck

if a tree falls in the forest thats none of my goddamn business

I only disparage myself here to make my brain shut the fuck up.

Triglycerides were among the most unhealthy of the dinosaurs.

Thinking about becoming one of those guys who says “yes sirree bob”

The sexual tension between me and this last piece of cheesecake is palpable

I have aged like a fine cheese.

Half eaten by the cat, all dried out and full of mold.

i don’t say “tuna fish” because i know what tuna is

Life is hard. Here have some nachos

“I’ve still got it,” I boast, referring to my anxiety and depression

So this brain-eating worm that crawled into RFK Jr's head and then died. Was it starvation?

try to be a better person
I dunno that sounds like a lot of work

Yes I heard your horn the first time a split second after the light turned green. Why do you think I'm typing this.

Don't mean to be too controversial, but there's light at both ends of a tunnel.

Alexa, stop the world, I want to get off.