Sam Grittner

TRUMP: “The time has come to send the Mayor of Chicago and the Governor of Illinois to gitmo!”

DEMOCRATS via text message: “THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Reply with a $25 donation to make your voice heard! We will NOT be afraid! We will NOT shut up! We will NOT do anything beyond convey empty rhetoric!”

I’m begging all of you: please stop pulling over and asking if I need a ride. I’m giving you a thumbs-up so you know you’re doing a good job driving. Also, yes. I do need a ride.

Mr. Beast is going to win an Emmy for a video called something like, “LAST ORPHAN OUT AT THE MURDER-SUICIDE MANSION!”

Is the news leaving you depressed? Does the world make you sad now? Is each day worst than the one before? WELCOME TO HOW I’VE FELT MY ENTIRE LIFE, bitches! Shit sucks, don’t it? Just SMILE!

The Oregon Trail but instead of fjording a river you throw used car batteries in it. Instead of killing animals for meat you build a data center in the forest. Instead of dying from dysentery you die from smallpox AND dysentery.

INCUMBENT TITTY SUCKER, BQ, DOESN’T HAVE THE GUTS TO TAKE ME ON! LESS SUCKING TITTIES, BRYAN! LESS SUCKING IN GENERAL [insert Ron Swanson gif] - GN

Come see me perform stand-up comedy one last time! Sat. June 21st at the Pine Box Rock Shop in BK. $10, all proceeds going to the Ali Forney Center to help at-risk LGBTQ+ youth.

7pm! Travis is hilarious, Lucy is a comedy genius, plus, me?!

Times are tough right now. I just went to cross a bridge and my local troll only asked me to solve his riddles two.

Times are tough right now. I just went to cross a bridge and my local troll only asked me to solve his riddles two.

Thank you so much, good sir!

🥹🥹🥹❤️❤️❤️

Happy belated bday! Thank you! I’ll take some more pics

Happy belated 4/20 + Easter

“He has resin.”

Haha! Get him, leopards! Wait… no, stop! My face! My beautiful white Anglo face! How could this have happened TO ME?!

They’re really doing it… De-Ba'athification for old folks. You know who’s ready to strap on a vest because the government says no more money for you? 90-year-olds.

All the wrong people hate themselves.

If someone owns…

0-5 snakes, they also sell weed.

6-10 snakes, they also sell molly.

11-20 snakes, they also sell swords and ketamine.

20-40 snakes, they also sell the good swords and fake social security cards.

50+ snakes, they also sell snakes.

All the wrong people hate themselves.

Capitalism is socialism but only for the top 1%.

The leftist Beekeeper’s origin story? I’m listening…

This just made my day, Aaron! Thank you so much and welcome back to the fold!

Thank you, Julia! 🤗🤗🤗

7.5+ years of non-consecutive sobriety have lead me to this jumping off point. Just a month ago I thought my life was over or at least a complete waste. Now? I’m just getting started. I actually have a life ahead of me. This isn’t a studio apartment to me, it’s a kingdom. Sending love to you all

I cannot put into words how grateful I am for all the love, support, and Good Vibes, I’ve gotten from so many of you. I have never been this happy or this grateful in my entire life. I’m so glad I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted when I’ve wanted it because I wouldn’t truly, TRULY appreciate all this

Thank you, That’s Not!

THANK YOU, I WILL!!!!

Thank you, my Hound Dog!

Thanks, King!

The thing I’m most excited about? Having my own fridge! I haven’t had one that wasn’t massively cramped with roomies’ eats and drinks since I was 25. Ahhhh!!!!