Drew

My first suggestion for the county psychiatric hospital is they should make their fence harder to climb over.

Pretty sure that sniper who just missed me was from 1982 Columbia House

if you outlaw sandwiches, only outlaws will have sandwiches

Interviewer: “What makes you qualified to be a DJ?”

Beck: “I got two turntables and a microphone.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

Already have my “fall bod”.

If someone offers you a free trip to Egypt, be careful, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.

I really hope Frodo and Sam get the ring to Mordor before trump’s goons capture them.

Word on the street is that one of Trump’s offers to Putin will be the total erasure of Rocky IV from the history books.

Oh, just solving all the world's problems in my head while in the drive thru line at CVS. You?

Sitting in the corner of a dark tavern wearing a hood and smoking a pipe mysteriously would fix me

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Word on the street is that one of Trump’s offers to Putin will be the total erasure of Rocky IV from the history books.

If someone offers you a free trip to Egypt, be careful, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.

My boss and I are both pretty excited for him to leave for vacation

🎶 I can show you the world 🎶

*opens google maps*

You ever see a guy in a really loud muscle car peel out of a light , and think “Wow! What a cool guy!” ? Yeah, me neither.

My posts do not necessarily represent the unanimous view of all the voices in my head.

Someone once called me dismissive and judgmental. Thats ridiculous, what an idiot

Today is a great day because I slept 7 hours without waking up 4x in trembling fear

Will I understand Wednesday if I haven’t seen Monday and Tuesday?

Sitting in a corner with a blanket thrown over me until I have something to say.

I’m stupid, but not “actually been influenced by an influencer” stupid.

Already have my “fall bod”.

Over my dead body will I "arrive 30 minutes" before my appointment

Eating the fallen pizza toppings out of the box like a depression era raccoon.

Dracula: I have crossed oceans of time to find you.
Me: Text me when you're outside.

*rides off into the sunset*

*returns to check if I looked the door*

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re wearing readers to eat coleslaw.

My electric toothbrush died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

I didn’t grow up with money, but I did think vacation was when Mom rotated the couch to face a different window.