Algonquin K Farquhar II

usa curling team member thinking about that ipa

peak male performance

the superbowl hasn’t even started yet. the score is still 0-0. stay tuned for more updates.

The only Patriots I support are the men and women of Taco Bell who provide this great nation with Chalupas whenever we want them

My muscle memory also forgot why it entered the room

Every young person sentence online reads like this to me now:

"Bro entered low-stim flow state doing a 10 min grocery rotation and got mogged by a friendly neighborhood cat 💀 Is proximity-maxxing essentials while touch-grass-pilled more optimal than suburb-meta carbrained bulk errands?"

Calm down Seattle, no one named Sam Darnold is winning a super bowl.

My other love language is elbow and heel exfoliation.

The rat's nest in my hair stays there as a reminder and tribute to our tiny mammal ancestors' excellent survival instincts.

Shout out to the free samples lady who gave me the Heimlich

i’m going to costco does anyone need a lot

A bar with lots of liquor

It's close to 80°F, but it's too late: my body has internalized the cold like a concrete slab.

The line between KISS and Syd and Marty Kroft is finer than I first assumed

The real problem with sleep is waking up, those matrix folks in the pods really had it made. Sleeping from the moment you're born AND it's in goo? Sweet.

Bob Dylan

If my nonna could see me using pasta sauce from a jar, she'd screech from her perch in Hell.

Banned from DQ for using obtuse and abstruse interchangeably.

ahh.... womens ski jump. so pure, untainted by textile chicanery or penis enlargement tactics

Police officer: Can you describe what happened in your own words?

Me: Cashibbet. Golgarnnel forchunkle debodles. Hurstledment swiffletat bolldoppler.

Taking my daughter to get a haircut today. I'm always jealous when we go to the kids salon. The waiting room has a playscape, art area, and a stim toy area. The seats are cute lil cars/airplanes, she gets to watch cartoons, and at the end she gets a balloon and a sucker. Adult salons suck.

🔥

In my 15 years on social media I've watched A LOT of videos where they say, "Wait for it!" or "Watch until the end!" and every single one of them have been shit. Every. Single. One. And I fall for it every time. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm dumb as fuck.

It fights cavities better than the toothpaste. though.

lol

"We shouldn't even be legally allowed to call this 'deodorant'. It does absolutely nothing."

- Tom's of Maine

Have we tried blowing the horn of plenty?

horse year might be the only thing i truly believe in anymore

Pickle is not ball, pickle is cucumber