Algonquin K Farquhar II

On top of everything else, all the Halloween baking shows were probably filmed in springtime

glad to be born at a time when i got to see what life was like before the internet and will be dead before AI completely destroys humanity

Still plenty of time to ruin Christmas

I'm too old for another platform. If everyone leaves I'll just stay here and rage bait the resisters.

Sometimes I think to myself, "How stupid can you be, Scott?", and I have to admit that even at 67, the answer to that hasn't been fully explored.

Everyone at work is always talking about how normal I am. "I've never seen someone so normal," they all say, gathering around my desk to cheer and applaud

life is a cunt but hey we have hockey tonight

Moment of silence for the chunk of knuckle I just lost in the great kitchen cleaning wars.

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

Dislocated both shoulders trying to put on a zip up hoodie

In California, they call California Pizza Kitchen “Pizza Kitchen.” The “California” is implied.

So you'd have a cool story to tell :)

You and I skanked in very different ways, my child

I know! I saw him on Carson over the weekend!

Rich Little

I don't know who needs to hear this but Rich Little is still alive.

Always the portfolio, never the dossier.

Here, lemme fix that skeet for ya.

I figure each of the 7 people who get this should respond.

"haha" I say as I'm laughing

Wojciehowicz on the streets,
Fish in the sheets.

Wait.

Is there a non-sexy way to eat celery?

Old freezer sitting next to a gas station on its back

All I’m saying is if you see a freezer in a gas station parking lot you do not look inside it

Always the cabal, never the junta.

I know all the words to Oh, Canada, so I will be emigrating as soon as I get my cats' visas.

Dante's seven factors of authentication

De Beauvoir in the skeets

once we defeat capitalism, the sky's the limit

This is what Gen-X sounds like sometimes:

"Back in my day, TVs weighed 8000lbs, we only had three channels, no remote, and had to adjust the rabbit ears every 15 minutes."

i call dibs on looking at the moon first tonight