MrsFitz

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what's a kerchief?

daughter: what's a clatter?

son: what's a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what's soot?

daughter: what's a peddler?

son: what's a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It's all fake. Goodnight.

This gift could’ve been a gift card.

Welcome to bluesky. If you like pithy observations on all your shitposts you'll love it here.

Hiring Manager: I see here you have experience building your own omelettes.

Cow tools.

i could draw a sideways eight forever

idk who put the pity in serendipity but I’ll take it

[Neil Diamond voice] Turn off your GASLIGHT / doo doo doo

All this time I thought rage bait was when an incel is going to town on his no-no's.

no one better bring me to life with a magic hat that’s all i’m saying

they should change the spelling of the word “read” to “red” and change the spelling of the other word “read” to “reed” and then change the spelling of the word “reed” to “read” and also change the s

I'm just here to make you imagine something weird involuntarily, that's all.

You ever just sit down at work and then all of a sudden it’s December?

Make sure to laugh hard & often. Because every time you belly laugh, a fairy is born & we’re gonna need as many as possible.

I love a good soup joke. Pho real

doctors dont let you be born with a tail cause itd make you too powerful

Glaze over
Nod
Smile

This season, let's put Christ back in Christians.

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

It's actually healthier to leave it unmade, providing you pull the covers back to let the mattress air out. The only time I make it is when company is coming over, and even then, it depends on the company.

The cover of John Updike's "The Twelve Terrors of Christmas" illustrated by Edward Gorey. Also featuring striped socks & this year's Christmas tree

A peak at one of the 12 terrors. Good questions, all.

A most delicious tale. Eerily fanciful illustrations, according to the blurb. Funny word blurb.

I leave my bed unmade; I like to see the exact moment I gave up bliss for responsibility.

My wife said the other wives were impressed that I was responsible for getting the kids’ Xmas gifts.. and that we have weekly family discussions at brunch to talk about the calendar, etc.

Like, is the bar that low or is my wife’s church book club members all married to a bunch of dummies?

Told a random Boomer at Costco “Happy Holidays” and he immediately burst into flames

As far as fake butter goes, Waffle House has the best there is

And then Gary, a 49-year-old adult, just realized for the very first time that there was no law against him dribbling the ball in the house.

Once you can put in a zipper, no one can stop you. You can put a zipper anywhere. I mean, look at pencil cases.

When you bury me can you leave one leg out of the casket so I don't get hot?