MrsFitz

The robot vacuum should have returned home hours ago, and now Gary was beginning to worry.

I'm not internationally known, but I'm known to rock the sad trombone.

And I think to myself what a wonderful squirrel.

Sent daughter a picture of the cat today and she replied he’s looking kinda round. Cat and I are both offended.

The inventor of Claritin has died. The family asks that you don't send flowers.

Oh, you’re an old soul? Name 3 of your children who died of consumption

the stain on my shirt is from butter so it’s more like a badge of honor

Microwave instructions should just be: Cook until you hear screaming or an explosion.

The supplies I need to make a terrible mistake were way too easy to find.

watch out tortellini is in retrograde this month

Heygoogle would be a beautiful name for a boy.

The center of this post is a charming vignette, but the edges? That's where all the shrieking happens.

Can’t right now I’m digging a moat around my heart

Eating cereal for dinner so I can sleep through breakfast tomorrow

The people in the bug spray ad look way too happy.

If you use your Invisaline retainers in the wrong order, you turn into a werewolf

i'm sorry i called you a stupid frosted flake

The thing about me is I just got my teeth cleaned, and now I think I'm better than everybody.

Never let anyone tell you that you're not qualified to operate heavy industrial machinery

At a job interview. Where they don't know I'm wearing this blazer ironically

Multi-collagen is the key. If you’re only taking one collagen, you’re never going to make it

Cover of the album, "Saturday Night Miles Davis In Person at the Blackhawk, San Francisco" Vol II. Cover includes Miles in a trench & Francis Davis, his wife.

Back cover of same album. Conclusion of essay by Ralph Gleeson has him taking moral & financial responsibility for his statements.

Friday night's listening. Plus, I'm gonna sign off on all my posts with this statement.

Those who don’t learn from history are destined to microwave French fries

If you follow me you'll get some smart stuff, some really dumb stuff, pictures of cutie pie cats, and some dumbass replies.
You're welcome 🤗

Cry me a river, then stream it with a soothing waterfall background.

There's no “i” in team. Or “q” in basketball. Billy, your essay's a mess.

When you've been up all night remixing formats into some hilarious new familiar grooves, well shit. Just keep on nodding away in daydreams like two waka waka wooooolves agreeing with each other

My teen: This family meeting could have been a group chat.

When I say I'm "crunching the numbers" at work, it means I'm playing sudoku.

i have nothing to post

𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼