MrsFitz

[friend] listen i love your dog but im not bowing

[me] youve made your choice and the prince of barkness will remember this

My husband & I are too busy to call in sick & play hooky anymore. A tragedy to be sure.

I fell off the wagon tonight. I shouldn't drink before going on a hay ride.

Im okay. It's just my face

Where's this memory loss they promised me?

Use code AUTUMN for 10% off any acorns you collect from the forest floor around my hollow tree

as my coffin closes please play the end credits song from the jeffersons.

It's perfect outside. The sun is hot on my back. There is a gentle breeze. There's a crow sitting on the tower of my building yelling at everybody.

They’re called fake eyelashes, but there’s nothing that says you can’t stick them on any part of your body. Stick them on your legs. Congratulations you have kneelashes now.

Is the make believe out in your area? I keep signing my hand name instead of my puppet name on all my checks

I picked a hell of a time to attempt to live in a state of zen

once you find out you are officially losing brain cells, it’s, ummm, preliminarily amusing, Charlie Brown

been seeing lots of naked ladies in the wood grain today

decided to take the form of a grasshopper and stop pretending I have this life thing sorted out

My favourite thing about the Rainforest Café was when you beat one of their food challenges, you got to fuck a velociraptor.

I could be a magician, but you’d have to sit directly across from me and sometimes I might have to ask you to close your eyes for a second.

Never trust a room with more than single sources of light, as overlapping shadows create an unreliable venn diagram where up shares down and left shares right, it's Dante's little circles of kindergarten

only goal for today is having no face to face interaction

My dad was clinically dead once. He got up just in time to go to work.

Do I have debts no honest man can pay? Yes.
Will I go see the Springsteen movie on its first day? Also yes.

Back in my day we rowed boats, gently down the stream

“Enchanté,” I say, shaking your dog’s paw.

People that take life seriously have no idea that life laughs at them behind their back.

A hang nail but for the side of my skull.

reminder: the headless horseman actually has no damn clue where he’s going

That awful thunk sound when you vacuum up something probably super important but it's just everything, all day, everyday now

Teaching my glasses to read so they can carry on when I fall asleep with a book in my hand & fill me in on what I missed when I wake up.

People that take life seriously have no idea that life laughs at them behind their back.

Not leaving this platform but now offering a digest of my posts in the form of a 3 page annual Holiday Letter