MrsFitz

I like to live in my woodpile in the few weeks before the peepers start their little engines. I drink whiskey and think about our narrow definitions of life and death

Told the barista my name is "It's gonna be okay." She keeps saying it. I'm on the floor crying

An all Poodle K-9 Unit

i hate anagrams because I have trouble enough spelling words correctly in the first place

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button.

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

Spicy sausage corn chowder– it’s what’s for breakfast!

I've been thinking about the time my elementary school hosted a "Pancake Day" lunch, and another kid called me stupid for not knowing it had to do with a religious holiday, so I asked him which religious holiday was the reason for Hot Dog Day.

Pour two scoops of scrabble tiles in my brain and close the lid, that'll hold me for a few weeks

Thinking of giving up completely, digging myself a sod-roofed shelter out of a rocky slope, and keeping a modest potato garden by the bog edge while trying to get in with the local minks and shrews. Perhaps finding a niche in the bog economy. Perhaps just apprenticing to become a marmot.

giving my wife the best birthday ever by wandering into the fog over a frozen lake

Is it ennui or is it what my mom and grandmother called "the whim-whams" bc those are two independent states

What people don't realize about the RFK Jr. pics:

Those aren't jeans.

I am 50 years old and I still get nervous every time I cross my eyes to make a silly face and you all know exactly what I’m talkin about

my dad loves dusty springfield so i grew up listening to her i love dusty springfield so my kids have grown up listening to her and now they love dusty springfield and that’s what we call generational wealth

Sorry your BF thinks “labia majora” is a constellation.

Sometimes a mental breakdown is the only excuse I have for my behavior.

Companies are already lined up with their greedy hands out for tariff reimbursements, as if they haven’t been gouging consumers in order to repay themselves.

Illegally collected tariffs belong to the people.

I’ve been airing the place out, Milo thinks this is jolly good fun. In through the bedroom window and round (making a detour into the kitchen, to see if I’ve dropped a prime rib by mistake), through the living room, jumping on the puzzle and out the backdoor. Meeting the odd cat on his route.

Thanks for the invite, but I already have plans to set myself on fire.

Ahhh Friday. Where you have to kick your I'm not doing anything but I need to make it look like I am skills to a whole new level.

Luckily, I am old and have experience with this.

Reading the original Grimm Brothers stories and realising how much Disney made fairytales of the fairytales.

a movie about the invention of gift baskets called When Harry Met David somebody write that down

Good morning friend I am a British Prince in a bit of a pickle, could you please wire me your personal bank account information have a blessed day

Democracy Dies with Dumbasses

I can tell my anxiety is increasing because my thoughts are now more felony than misdemeanor.

look, dancing with my pants down in front of the Arby’s might not be the best way to earn money but at least I’m my own boss

Done gaming
Done b’skying
Time to set everything on the chargers for the evening. Stay warm & dry out there, homies.

Medical invention idea:

A vaccine that prevents RFK Jr.

I'm giving up for Lent.