ramona

hobbies feel pointless, the future feels hollow, my identity feels blurry and nothing feels tethered. everything feels either too much or nothing, my nervous system feels like static, my body feels foreign and my mind feels tired and loud at the same time. fuck.

if I had a band, it'd be named ✨out of pocket bullshit✨

restriction absolutely deepens depression physiologically.
low intake → low dopamine → low motivation → low drive → low reward → flat affect → anhedonia. the idea of “more energy” feels threatening, not hopeful. ugh.

✨existentially exhausted✨

istg 1200 feels like such a normal number of calories, like if normal people eat that and I'm eating that, I'm not actually restricting

I LOVE when my brain is like “Oh no. Danger. Better apologize for being alive.”

If I get to my ugw and I’m still miserable idk what I’m gonna do, and thinking about how I probably still will be miserable is making me sick. if losing weight doesn’t make it end what will

but also goddamn this process is slow. I swear it comes off fast in the beginning to trap u

since I've been eating more I've hit a new lw for this rel@pse so ... should've started there I guess 🤣

at my lowest (lol emotionally and weight wise) this relapse, and lowest since July 2023... we're so back

APPARENTLY being small doesn’t make you invisible to predators, it makes you less noticed by strangers. APPARENTLY that’s not the same thing. 😐🙄

do I want to lose fat at the cost of my life? uhhhh, yeah babes.

friendly reminder (for me): you can’t out-starve the world’s cruelty, you can’t out-avoid the political climate no matter how hard you try.

You are not worthless because you can’t starve yourself into invisibility.

My body is working for me, even while I’m scared of it. I'm scared shitless of it.

Bones are predictable. They don’t argue. They don’t surprise you. They don’t leave. I miss feeling contained. I miss clarity. I miss the quiet certainty that came from sharp edges.

can you tell I'm drinking ensure again 😂

HARD COVER MUSTVE BEEN SO PRETTY!?!

listening to this on audible for the fourth time because my paperback copy is so underlined and dilapidated 😜

sometimes therapy looks like journaling.
sometimes it looks like inner child work.
and sometimes it looks like hurling a sad little cardboard bottle across the room because your body needed one clean, consequence‑free act of NOPE. 😜

you'll always be a flower on my skin
and the pain that I am in
it's all the same

maybe I need to eat more to do that? I feel like I have no energy to do anything whatsoever 😭

how tf do you guys have energy to work out

well, y'all, I'm a ✨metamucil success story✨

my dietician is challenging me to eat 800 consistently every day AND she wants to see me next week instead of in two weeks. fuck 🙃🫡 let's hope the scale still goes down bc I'm gonna r1ot

friendly reminder that disappearing doesn’t give you relief, it just removes the chance for relief to ever show up. ❤️‍🩹

I'm safe, but damn

being here feels like way too much work for not enough relief

apparently eating earlier does not put your body into crisis, and waiting longer does not make your body safer. 🙃

Forever feeling more than I want to and less than I think I should.