Ed Fox, Secret Chimp

before email was invented, sometimes you’d get 10-15 pigeons a day with notes about the upcoming “best mattress sale of the year”

Jeez it’s only one day after Valentine’s Day and the stores already have their Ides of March stuff out on display

Is it just me or does everyone get nervous when they're stealing a car

Excellent point!

Ski jumping is probably a painful sport to suck at.

In southeastern Europe, SpongeBob is known as Abzorba the Greek.

My presence on Earth is a testament to my ancestors' abilities to avoid being burned as witches in the 1600s.

In ancient Greece, it was considered bad luck to be attacked by a shark on Friday the 13th

I'd probably go to church more if Communion was served fondue-style.

No one freaks out more than a laptop whose device was ejected improperly.

I like to move it. But I do not like to move it move it. I just like the one move it.

8 oz Coke cans should be called "Diet Coke" because they have 33% fewer calories than a 12 oz Coke. Diet Coke should be called "Sucky Coke."

Well, it turns out my dad had never been shot in the leg with an arrow before today.

This is my grandfather's 100th birthday. If he were alive today, he'd be pounding on the lid of his coffin.

When faced with a difficult decision I like to ask what would Jesus do? The problem is he answers in Aramaic.

I like to do the Reverse Flash Mob, where I find myself in a crowded place then leave.

I just fixed* my car!

*unhooked the battery to make the check engine light go off

Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

Enrolling your kid in martial arts classes is the 1st step to his lifetime of bar fights.

"Gone in 60 Seconds: Then Trapped Inside the Car Because All the Inside Door Handles are Broken"

- new movie about stealing my 2001 Toyota Corolla

I bet my life would be friggen baller if my name was Joey Hotdog

[Couples counselling]

Goldfish husband: "I don't even know who you are any more."

Goldfish wife: "I don't remember what I ever saw in you"

Goldfish Counsellor: "Who are you guys, and how did you get in here?"

New camera technology has enabled us to take blurry photos like we used to before we had new camera technology.

History note: Before TV, the #1 pastime in Great Britain was putting giant stones in circles.

I wish air fresheners came in "bumper car electricity" scent.

Just at some soup that tasted like horses smell.

My main diet plan is being too lazy to open a new bag of cookies.

You think you're a good teacher? Try explaining "fixing a TV's vertical hold" to a classroom of middle schoolers.

There is no way Johnny's fiddle playin' beat the Devil's.

There's video of Tony Hawk recently doing a 720, and I wanted to ask Tony Hawk's kids what it's like having a dad who is cooler than they'll ever be. Then I realized I can just ask my kids.