Alex

I sure hope my true love kept the receipts for all these gifts, because I really only wanted a partridge in a pear tree

Celebrating Christmas like the Little Drummer Boy: loudly banging a snare drum into a sleeping baby’s ears.

For Survivor season 48 I hope they cast the Penguin - I feel like he’d be a favorite to win if he can make it to the merge

ADVICE: Am I getting love-bombed? It’s only 5 days into December and my partner already gave me five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Wicked? I’ll tell you who’s really wicked: that Will Hunting guy. He’s wicked SMART.

My favorite part of Boss Baby is when he hires all those Pinkerton babies to crush the baby unions

Funny that gravy and grave are one letter apart because oh boy do I feel like my insides are dying 30 minutes after I finish slurping down that brown stuff

Ha, good luck with No Nut November during Thanksgiving. Guess that means I get this whole PECAN PIE to myself (to jerk off into)

Ugh. I hate myself. I hate life. Fuck this shit. Everything sucks. I hope I die. I hope somebody kills me.

[I take precisely one bite of food, after having been hungry and cranky all day]

Oh wow. Fantastic. I feel great. Now I have the energy to kill myself.

When tickling a stylish baby you have to say “Gucci, Gucci goo”

Asian Kendrick Lamar be like:
“HOT MUSTAAAAAAAAARD”

Asian Soulja Boy be like:
“YUUZUUUUUUU”

Let’s not pretend like he didn’t inherit his fast food empire

The Burger King is a nepo baby

a baby magician that gets really confused when things disappear

Therapists should have to work in pairs, each trying to persuade you to take their advice, and one of them should be evil

We need to stop making new cereals. Science already nailed it with French Toast Crunch: they took the best tasting breakfast (french toast) and removed the one part of it that was bad (sogginess). It’s perfect. What more do we need?? How much more greedy must we be??

There’s a banana peel on the subway tracks and I can’t wait for the J train to run over it and spin around like in Mario kart.

Did some research on this Jake Paul guy and let me tell you, he seems more like JERK Paul to me