Logjam9️⃣

Learning about about #boats

Got too drunk on a Tuesday night to write my great American novel… fuck!!!

Bet my life savings on the game ending before either team wins

Bad news on this one… local police eventually arrived (obviously) and shot the shit out of my six year old son who was running the grill on night shift. Revenue plummeted to zero becuz of crime scene shit but we sued the city and settled it of court for $6,400 #winning

My six most loyal cousins and I have formed a Junta and have occupied and are managing our local McDonald’s to great success, and despite our judicious use of corporal punishment drivethru wait times are down 18%

It’s called “alcoholic cirrhosis” and she’s not kidding

It’s okay don I recognize you’re profile picture

Not getting a lot of attention in mainstream media but the latest Epstein files drop includes about a dozen deeply embarrassing emails I sent to Jeff E. telling him I would kill myslef unless he gave me back the $1,500 I gave him for a 1991 Toyota Camry that died a week after I bought it from him

I got a Grammy for the recoding of me calling 911 when I got my penis/genitals caught in the fence which went viral last year in the midst of my very public divorce which the local paper referred to as “the worst divorce to happen in this county since May”

My 6 year old son watched the Melania movie and it made him kill himself #ama

It’s okay he was Earth’s Bastard

My cousin was gonna be an extra in it but was killed by 17 muggers in s small town in Wyn0ming before he got to the set

Soon!

Air Force 1 had to turn around because Trump was jerkingoff (understandable) but when he nutted some of it went into one of the planes vents and it got clogged so they had to turn around to get the vent cleaned out just to be safe, which, to be fair, could happen to anyone

Giving my 6 year old son his daily hardtack

I’m the guy who was responsible for writing and directing all the pre/post sex scenes in Everybody Loves Raymond and I’m on more antidepressants today than God

The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond DENOUNCES ISRAEL. Google it

He’s so brave for having slept so high

I speak on behalf of all progressives when I say we will let the Venezuela thing slide if Trump does the exact same thing to Netanyahu in the next 24 hours plssss

Tried giving myself a haircut for the second time ever and accidentally gave myself the Sean penn haircut from One Battle After Another and now my girlfriend won’t come home

My new resolution for 2026 is for Timothy Chalamet to gain 100lb

Cousinmaxxing

Emailing my cousin (was missing for 18 months, found in a coma in Eastern Russia but recovered) about how much I hate my kid

Got arrested for trying to trade my 6 year old child (son) for a late 90s Toyota 4runner on Facebook Marketplace but since there’s not technically a law against tht in the Laws
Of America or Laws of Facebook the cops had to let me go and give me $10,000: major W

Writing my The Office fan fiction: “Phyllis’s Suicide; Phyllis Fucks Up” while I’m supposed to be at my divorce court hearing. Stupid as fuuuuuck

One of the other children at the school defaced my six year old son with spray paint again

Coolest thing about hanging out with your cousin is you can tweet stuff like “hanging out my dirty cousin” and when his lawyer calls you you can just say it’s about the other one

Something to think about… years before he ever invented Tetris Jeb Bush dreamt of be beautiful Tetris app where good ass Tetris players could chat and share their best Tetris tips, but nobody ever talks about that