Matt Rain

(talking in my sleep): “Yesss, com to me….my pikmin…..”

My new move at the bars is to go up to girls and say, “Want to know my opinion on the film Dog Man (2025)? Just saw it.”

Just found out my Brutalist is raising his prices. At this rate I’m never getting my dog house built.

You watched the wrong cut.

FRODO: “You’re late for Boys Weekend.”

GANDALF: “A wizard is never late for a Boys Weekend Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives and vibes precisely when he means to.”

Just because I’ve had coffee does not mean you are allowed to talk to me.

it would be kind of interesting if there were a real ugly country music guy who had face tattoos. i dont know, i just think that would be cool to see. hopefully someone does that soon because, again, i would enjoy seeing it. maybe i could even see it every day without looking it up? if possible?

There should be a Sundance Festival but for cheeses.

Gonna start posting more instead of trying to get married.

I know for a fact this is true.

There are no more excuses for being “not political.” Even people who have been in 30 year comas are waking up saying, “Can he do that?!”

What I imagine the White House looks like right now

"you see what I did there?" I would rather die than acknowledge what you did there

When I was in my early twenties I knew nothing about politics. Now all of a sudden I have opinions about President Eisenhower, that fuck!

to be clear it's his own version and there's a lot of stuff about how human women are sexually attracted to buzz lightyear

I’d like Cyber trucks more if they were called, “Pointy PS2 Un-Rendered Mobiles.”

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintstones celebrate christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

At the airport and I just saw a lady dip a fry into her glass of Merlot.

All it takes to get me to see another dang Superman movie is if you give him a dog. It’s not that complicated.

Luigi Mangione in orange jumpsuit in the center of the frame, flanked by law enforcement officers, his hands are clasped and bound in front of him he looks off to the side pensively, seriously does this guy just not photograph poorly at all?

"Okay, get some snaps of that Mangione character, but you better not pull any bullshit where he looks like the subject in a 16th century painting called 'Christ taken at the Garden of Gethsemane'."
"Okay, now don't be mad but..."

Epilogues in books were the original mid-credits scenes.

I really need BlueSky to have a “drafts” folder. My notes app is filled to the brim with mid jokes.

FUN FACT: RFK Jr is actually a machine being driven by a tiny alien like from Men in Black.

your true love gave you eight maids a milking? cool. just one question. what the fuck are you talking about

*Statler & Waldorf berating Geoff Keighley*

ME: “Yes…..break him.”

oh, the bill? do worry about paying. we got you uncovered. your money's so good here. it's off the house

Gex has been standing outside the Peacock Theater for 2 hours. #thegameawards

Just walked in on a Ubisoft exec crying in the bathroom. #thegameawards

The characters from Concord were caught trying to sneak in. #thegameawards