Rachel Shukert

New ICE recruiting methods have resulted in half of this group of absolute winners failing AN OPEN BOOK TEST

I’m alone and completely silent

I truly cannot believe how loudly this girl in the restaurant is speaking

I mean we don’t have a First Lady so why does she need all that office space anyway

Just a reminder: all the powers ICE has came though the Patriot Act. There was no ICE before that. Also most of the strictest immigration law we have, including new classes of and draconian restrictions on immigrants was passed in 1996, under our good friend Bill Clinton

I hate the little videos they play on planes. Don’t get cute! We all know the rules. Just have someone read them off a piece of paper and it can be over in 45 seconds

I’ve never been in love with his red carpet stuff, not at Loewe either. He’s incredible for what you want to wear every single day but for me he’s not an evening wear guy, sorry!

It happened. I had a panicked “wait where’s my phone” moment while I was reading something on it, in my hand

For example, Chanel

Oh come on. I’m taller and shorter than that

Theo and I can now share shirts and socks. He’s not a particularly large 8 year old, it just turns out I’m not a normally sized adult

Now do 7 million planes dumping poop on Mar-a-Lago

We can’t let the AI bubble burst because if we didn’t have AI how would the President of America make little videos of himself wearing a Burger King crown while pooping on people? He’d have to hire a team of animators and it would take weeks to lovingly hand draw each cel!!!

I hope my parents are having children or I will disappear like “Back To The Future”

I don’t think this is going to work. Like even devoted Fox News watchers don’t seriously believe, like, their granddaughter is this

For the life of me I cannot understand how donating more money to ActBlue or the DNC or whatever is going to stop whatever the fuck the Supreme Court is going to do. They clearly don’t respond to targeted media ads

It’s so funny that the GOP keeps failing to pin the shutdown on Chuck Schumer because nobody believes Chuck Schumer can do ANYTHING

One thing America loves to do is elect the absolute polar opposite of the last guy so IF we survive the next few years and IF we still have elections I am almost positive the next POTUS/VP will be AOC and Mamdani

“Mornings are too hard,” report children who are lovingly woken up by their mother who helps them pick out their clothes, makes their breakfasts, packs their lunches and water bottles, and remembers where their socks and jackets and shoes are

It took me 20 minutes to have my book, my drink, my phone and my glasses all in one place at the same time. I am 150 years old and this is my cardio

What the actual fuck

More than fine with national holiday in honor of Italian-Americans. Why does it have to be about Columbus specifically?

I can think of mediocre plot devices that have been used a million times all by myself, thanks!

CBP agents knocked on an El Paso home at 7:15 a.m.

The owner asked to secure his Rottweiler, Chop, in the bathroom.

While he got his ID, agents opened the door and shot Chop.

The family tried to save him as he bled out on the kitchen floor.

I made meatloaf, corn bread, cinnamon rolls, peanut butter cookies. If you know me at all you know this is a very bad sign

Diane Keaton was like, when you were a little girl, you were like, okay if I have to grow up I want to be like that

She was my idol since I was 5, I feel sort of crazy

I actually cannot believe this horrible
news about Diane Keaton

If this Israel/Palestine ceasefire holds, it’s because Trump is a uniquely awful, self-serving, untrustworthy person who understands that the leaders on both sides of the conflict are also uniquely awful, self-serving, untrustworthy people. A fascinating new diplomatic era: a Coalition of Shitheads