Doc Hap

Thinking of starting an OnlyFans for people who get off on middle-aged men eating entire pizzas and crying.

Exciting news guys, I just found a tiny little quadrant of my psyche that has no emotional wounds.

Had sex today. Pleasantly surprised. Should’ve given this a try when I was younger.

Always thought I’d eventually, reluctantly have to give up on Bill Burr. Never in a million years thought it would involve Saudi blood money.

Unfinished analogies are like screwdrivers

Jesus I’m so sorry, that sucks. Hey, if you want to hang around bluesky but not laugh you could read only my tweets until you get better? Just spitballing.

*slides into your dms* I have an eyebrow fetish.

CFO OF A LASER COMPANY (speaking on an earnings call): In summary, we’re ’laser-focused’ on maximizing investor returns this quarter! Ha-ha, see what I did there? Seriously, though, this new government contract to build a weapon that shoots immigrants from space is fantastic news.

Hey, did you guys know that there’s a building full of toxic garbage right in the middle of Austin, Texas? It’s called the Comedy Mothership.

Sometimes I eat things simply to confirm that I’m not a ghost yet.

Gonna sabotage every goddamn escalator Trump rides from now on, just try to stop me.

Hey y’all. It’s my birthday! On July 24th, 2024 I was so close to dying that I coded in the ER and the doctors were telling my family I might be brain dead even if I made it. Today I’m gonna show my kids ‘E.T.’ for the first time. Don’t let the bastards fool you: being alive is worth it.

Seriously though guys who much does this all suck?

I like to ‘gamify’ my sex life by allowing women to ‘deduct points’ for everything I do in bed that ‘makes them wish they were having sex with a different person.’

Imagine what would happen if every single dead kid in Gaza were treated like Charlie Kirk.

You know why they’re being so vague about the guy who shot Charlie Kirk? Because it was Jeffrey Epstein.

This sucks, they don’t even assassinate cool people anymore.

Jeffrey Epstein (with a flaming pitchfork up his ass): Welcome to hell, Mr Kirk. I’ll show you to your room.

Amateur archeologist uncovers tomb of amateur mummy.

More like Charlie Jerk amirite folks

You’re hired

Happy 9/11 to all who celebrate!!!

Error message ‘A problem repeatedly occurred on "(null)".’

A picture of a really old bald guy with the caption ‘102-year-old Japanese man becomes oldest person to climb Mount Fuji’

I had no idea Bill Burr was Japanese.

If you’d told me when I was a teenager that I would one day constantly be finding women’s underwear lying around my house and not remember whose it was, I would’ve been psyched. Now, as the father and husband of two disorganized women who are the same size as each other, not so much.

We’re so excited for you to meet our baby, but heads up: she has a birthmark on her cheek that looks like you, specifically, getting hit by a 1997 Toyota Corolla

I’m going to preserve my sperm after I die so that thousands of years from now, when humanity is on the verge of extinction, people will wonder why a few better men didn’t preserve their sperm.

Cancel culture has gotten out of control

I’m pretty sure the overproduction of people with ‘supercharged personal brands’ is destroying the human race.

I just hope that humanity finds a way to stop Joe Rogan before he becomes sentient.