a

also just fully one small dumb ass thing, but in a whirlwind of bullshit. i was dying laughing at him bc i was like im being honest, we dont need this door open, youre just bullshiting and its funny. but its not bc its lowkey scary. my body screaming danger danger! and im listening this time

i told this boy at work you can just call me, and he said oh ill call you all right, ill harass you, and i said opp my guy what? anyways, this really feels like im being tested smthng bc id rather go back to dealing with that other one that really made me feel some type of way forreal, and i just no

to it, but in navigating such a vast internal world, and figuring out my wants, and needs, and desires (which im allowed to have), that other peoples are really not my business. unless they want it to be, and unless they try to do the same for me. but also that makes me feel selfish as fuck.

my main thing right now, is i dont care to learn about other people - not in the general sense - but in the i dont have the space to learn and understand why others function in the way they do bc i spend so much trying to figure out myself, and how others function is not my business. im not closed

the void ignores our wishful intent

i want to run away 😓

i just want to be normal

heavy on the leave my old life behind and start a new

who the dream people are bc they always scare me a bit, but i did find one that was going somewhere that looked like an exist, and as soon as i got to the street, i decided to wake up bc i was scared. sometimes the lucid dreams scare the living shit out of me.

lucid dreamt again and so now when im in that state (since the last time i realized i can) i just start flying through the space in in. this time a subway platform, mostly empty, very liminal space esque, and only a few people walking around. i also know not to spend too long trying to figure out

therapy has been both the most beautiful and terrifying thing ever - but its making me feel real for the first time in a long time, maybe even ever!

still not fully here but resurfacing! cant wait for therapy friday 😭

im in my period and it feels so cleansing and also ive been si heavily disassociating (bc im in therapy now and doing the work) i think it helped bring me back a bit

every time i say im very smart i also say im very stupid bc im a dynamic person who knows and doesnt

it feels like a threat my gods!

i love being a devious little flirt, bc its all about playyy! which is why im so bad at flirting with people i actually like 😭 it feels too real and too serious for some reason!

i dont want to live by someone elses timeline, by unspoken social norms and regulations, by the conditions imposed on me, on all of us. i want to live my life for me, in my time, through my eyes, with my mind

and thats what little me
needed and never got.
thats what she deserved
and thats what ill give her and all my other little bits that like to hide in the dark corners and bark.

and this is where my real work begins. bc ultimately, it doesnt matter what other people do. people have a right to choose, they have the right to not love me, they have the right to exist without me. but i will always choose me, i will always pick me, i will never abandon or reject myself.

and actually love me. and my mom has literally said to me before 'youre afraid to be seen bc youre afraid of someone falling in love with you' to which lady, why you think? but also yeah it is true. bc deep down i am terrified of being seen and being rejected or abandoned or just discarded like dirt

also followed it up with and emphasized, i hope someone finds you. and it hit harder than she realizes bc hence my find me tattoo, that i dont think i fully understood it with such clarity until today. of how truly afraid i am to see myself, of how truly afraid i am of someone to see me

one of the residents i work with and i were having a conversation today about love and all that good stuff, she has a beautiful love story and i talk a lot about my heart and getting my fairytale romance etc., and she told me today as she has before, i hope you find someone good, but today she

and honestly, that kind of hurts. it kind of stings. it somehow makes me more sentimental, like im doing the work for both of us. but thats okay, i have that space, i have that strength. but it still hurts.

you may not be sentimental, but i sure am. and thats just me, theres nothing wrong with that. but its true, you may not be, but i am.

giving myself the grace i deserve because i acted in the best way i could, with what i had, and i can and do and will learn from my mistakes

(i do mind, but im learning to embrace it)

im a messy, dirty, gross, and chaotic little bitch and i dont mind it not one bit

im not saying im worried about it, im just wondering when

for she is vast and never ending, always coming to and fro. always there for someone to listen to her sing her song.

she whispered back 'yes, and they are mine to hold, and i shall give them only when i choose. for they are mine to hold.' i did not wish to leave her, i wish to stay forever more, and she did not beg me either, so with solemn heart i did retreat, but she will never truly go.