He can't even win a Nobel Peace prize. Loser.

Zlatan just lopped Ped's head off.

Watching Highlander. Immensely improved by believing Lambert is Haaland and Connery is Pep.

Title card - produced by Fred Quimby.

The seal of quality. Why all the kids today say great things are 'proper quimby'.

- Tom & Jerry's on! A Fred Quimby one.
- Pause it!
-I can't, it's 1989.

Techy four eyes.

Mixed Nuts Factory

- Can someone pass me a few cashews?

- Sorry, only have every single fucking hazelnut in existence.

- Bag 'em up.

Piece of advice I'd give 12 yo me - The Golden Girls is not set in a nursing home, and it's actually very, very good.

a woman with a veil on her face is saying let 's go girls . ALT: a woman with a veil on her face is saying let 's go girls .

Head wasp when you chuck your first empty in the bottle bank.

- *on the ground* Who's your favourite Golden Girl?

- Bea Arthur.

- *on the rocks* Who's your favourite Golden Girl?

Don't see many self-confessed ladies men these days. 90s spinning in its grave.

Save time on sticking flags up by checking your location on Google Maps.

Watched the first 10 minutes of Bono's documentary. Good God.

*leaning on mic stand*
- I hear Superman has joined ICE. What next, Batman and Robin presenting Masterchef!! Can you imagine?!

"This madelaine cake is bringing back memories."

"Holy smokes, Bats, don't eat it!"

And then -

- GET OFF.

Just finished second chapter of the Domesday Book. 18 households in Maulden! Magic stuff.

Michael Parkinson was not good at interviewing people.

Watched San Andreas last night. Good, but plot had one huge fault.

Watched The Raid last night. Good, but quite a few flaws.

WAITER: Your consommé, sir.
COCO POPS MONKEY: I'd rather have a bowl of -
MRS CPM: Darling.
CPM: I'd rather... I'd rather... it looks delicious.

[Mrs CPM reaches across the table and gently squeezes CPM's hand. He will beat this. He will beat this.]

Louis Walsh [tied to the mast of Odysseus's ship, shouting]: "YOU REMIND ME OF A YOUNG MARTHA AND THE VANDELLAS."

You're a cash cow, Harry.

Hold....
hold....
hold.....
......DISASTERchef more like!

Henman Hill is not a hill I'd die on. Grow up.

Check out my new videos on YouTube:

I Put an Egg in the Fruitbowl and Nobody Noticed

I Spent 150 Hours Crouching by A Tree

I Watch Every Episode of Bread as Mother Sleeps.

- Hear the King's knighting the lead singer of The Who.

- Sir Daltrey?

- Only if they fuck.

He's got a GREAT MASS.

Don't call me gigolo, don't call me Casanova
Just call me on the phone and baby come on over.

More the best worst lyrics category though.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I'm the town crier.

HER: Oh cool, so have you got a bell?

ME: *starting to sob* I do not

Would love to hear his mum telling him off.

It's Sophie's Choice, but your kids are both gobshites.