Seagull Gorgon

My job doesn't pay me enough to think about work for a good chunk of work.

Is there a non-sexy way to eat celery?

Enablers! my memory card runneth over! My google drive popping its buttons! FEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEEE

I think I need a Michael Sheen picture addiction support group, actually

More heroes like the escalator operator needed, but in higher positions

Time to mute “Taylor.” Hope I don’t miss any news about Lawrence Taylor

This is the early origin story of a "Fixer"

If you're super funny, be sure to have a selfie in your media because I be lookin

-Don't make all your decisions based on if it makes good financial sense or not.

-Being a hater is dumb and makes you look dumb. Let people like what they like. Liking stuff is fun. Try it out.

-Maybe start stretching.

Cornell 77 asking why we are obsessed with it

Sorry folks. You're welcome 💀⚡folks.

I get this joke.

One credit please.

I understand, America. There were some kooks in me when I was a teenager too

DONT👏LET👏YOUR👏MEAT👏LOAF👏

prison for all these ice goons

I can take anything you are talking about and turn it into a conversation about the grateful dead at about the same speed that I can take anyone interested in talking to me not super interested in talking to me

What if there was a micron cloth that dangled from a long chain attached to every ceiling in every room? And maybe a little free bottle of glasses cleaner spray on another chain. Would that be so bad? And also Levar Burton as president.

a man is holding a pair of scissors and the word ready is on his chest Alt: Christopher Lloyd was young in back to the future

If an actor isn't dead right now, they were probably pretty young in any movie from my youth.

Best I can do is loser uncle.

I'm not "keeping hydrated," I'm pissmaxing.

A Republican PAC frequently sends me mailers on how much money I'd save if I quit my union.

Bitch I signed up to pay that amount every month.

Will a tax person explain how I can please pay a penalty later to not pay federal taxes for a few years?

Mine turned into a target when I was 5 and it was the first time I realized stores could change

Especially at a hippie college in a hippie town where I gotta go to the Jr High before the kids get there to get it out of the vending machine

Power Ade, it's what plants crave

And I only say problem because it's embarrassing as fuck to be a 40yo lady walking around everywhere with a giant red 8th grade boy drink

ME: honey, Bob is coming over

WIFE: Bob who yodels normally or Bob who yodels anally

[there’s a yodel at the door]

ME: *rubbing hands together* let’s find out

I don't drink anymore, but I will admit to a pretty heavy red Powerade problem.

Oooooooh. That will be a good one.

hey you remember how Chester cheetah used to shake his head really fast and go aieeaiieeeaieee

if he ever does that again. shoot him

Ordering a burrito “Estupido Style” and refusing to elaborate

WHAT??????!!!!!!! Tracks. We went to the same college.