Phaedrus

Andrew Garfield is incapable of not flirting

Pretty sure Goldie Hawn is going to put her open relationship status to use with Andrew Garfield tonight

I think I can massage the price on this a bit

I’ve already had two BM’s today!!

(Bloody Mary’s)

I want a lady in the bed but a freak in the Sheetz!

I finally gave in and got a couple of those Stanley’s the teen girls are always talking about

Predictions:

Ravens 3, Tiny Mike Tomlin 117

Daaaa Stillers

I’m beginning to suspect Drew Allar isn’t very smart

If God isn’t a Penn State fan, then why is the norovirus blue and white?

Ah, pulling the old Leaving Las Pepsi

That’s so funny, because Angie is short for Angels & Demons

Conservative fires, sitting safe in their fireplaces, wringing their hands and lamenting all these wild fires crossing the open borders, rapists, terrorists, and murderers, all of them

Obama getting stuck next to Trump is the worst version of getting placed at the reject table at a wedding

Comes with big screen tv playing football and beer can accessories

It’s awkward because the camera operator doesn’t know they’re brothers

Sir, sir, I’m sorry to bother you in these trying times. You must be feeling so unstable

You fucking monster

These things change from season to season. Consult your TMZ style guide in April and adjust accordingly

I was…just…following orders. The princess needed rescuing. The dark lord had stolen the orb of light. Fuck. FUCK! FUCK ME IT’S NOT MY FAULT

Ugh, fuck. I guess we have the need… for speed. * Christ, I have to get a new copilot before I break my neck on some fucking cockpit glass*

The fact that slimes, in video games, run away, implies that not only are they sentient, but they express emotions as complex as fear. I submit, then, that I have committed a digital slime Holocaust stretching back to my early youth

I’m enjoying my 15 minutes of bot-generated fame

Buy me the Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket

Negative Ghostrider, that pattern is full

Best thing about this app is how unserious everyone is

This is whatever the opposite of kink shaming is

Friendly reminder: whatever I’m about to say is passive aggressive as fuck

It’s all a viral marketing campaign for Amazon’s Alexa