SpaamIsBack

Me: 2 ice creams
Him: with what?
My daughter: one chocolate and strawberry cone
Him: and for you?
Me: mojito. In the big cup though.

I put my 5 invite codes for bluesky next to my Blockbuster membership card.

Not much achievements, but I reached the evolution step of becoming an Homoffice sapiens.

My next piercing will be a lobotomy

My 14 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep at night.

I stopped sexting the day that to look at boobs in pic I had to wear glasses. And it wasn't even boobs.

My teenage son's room and my 7-year-old daughter's room.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Better stress a step away form the burnout than sorry.

You fall in love, you get married, you have children. Not necessarily in that order.

My New Year resolution is to lose just enough weight so my gut doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

yep. But to take to the catwalk

When you have 2 isolated pawns in chess endgame.

Every job interview, when the HR asks: "how do you deal with stressful situations?"
Me:

Many thanks to the U.S. and GB air force bombing Yemeni positions so that my €7.44 Amazon package, in transit through the Red Sea, arrives on time.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to speculate in cryptocurrencies and energy commodities, and you'll have a shark catching its prey from market fluctuations, proving to everyone that with meritocracy you don't go over a million dollars.

I saw the trailer for Scorsese's latest film. It lasts three and a half hours.

working in a hospital let me help you navigate the pain scale because it’s not always the worst pain ever

1-2 you bump your head
3-4 during sex and the penis slips out and bumps the side of the vag
5-6 got your ass beat at the bar for running your mouth
7-8 you got hit by a car
9-10 papercut

When I was little, I used to play doctor with girls in my neighborhood. I pretended I had a PhD in Comparative Literature, and I'd serve them coffee at a pretend Starbucks.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I love how tik tok just put a “the actions in this video are done by professionals do not attempt” warning on an Olympic gold medal ice skating video- like well I was going to do a triple axel after seeing this but thank god you warned me first

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Lego technic helicopter. The 376 pages of instruction were written by David Foster Wallace before he committed suicide.

Setting out of the office until January 4th.

Train travel like life.

You arrive in a hurry, you find the seat occupied, sorry but this is mine, this says 54F, yes but it's another wagon, he insists, you explain it again, he doesn't understand, you strangle him, occult the body, disinfect your hands, sit, the train leaves, you're happy.

I ask my neighbor for flour, for gnocchi. To thank him, I give him a plate. He, then, gives me back the plate with cookies. Then I give him some oil from Italy and he then some beer from his little village and so on for 13 weeks. It's a hell of a stress.

Woman who suddenly has to go to the bathroom to vomit: she is pregnant.