zuck eats bees

learning things about myself as i struggle to open a pack of batteries

Given how it sounds like “sex” you’d think I’d find the number sextillion funny. But the light has gone out of my life. I just see it as a number.

just reported dracula to the fbi

Self-driving cars are haunted cars. Elon Musk is killing people and embedding their souls in cars. That's why the cars sometimes burst into flames, as poltergeist activity goes haywire. Elon must stop this black magic. He is playing with forces he cannot control.

Я и вижу, не очень классно получилось. Пацан расстроился!

Urban Planning Opinion Progression xkcd.com/2832

you are a complete fucking idiot if you don't reincarnate as a crustacean for real

kid banana: what happens when we die?

grandpa banana: we become bread

kid banana: like jesus 🥹

grandpa banana: shut up it’s not the same at all

There's a lake in your dresser drawer, your favorite t-shirts whimpling in the sediment beneath the lily pads and the water striders. You're going to be late today.

Reddit or cosplay conventions I would assume

a medieval drawing of a naked couple lying in an ornately carved bed under red and gold covers, watching a small naked baby that is hovering in front of them

"steven, that damn baby is back"

your honor, my client wants me to remind the court he is a smol bean and {leaning to listen to whisper} and it is his birthday he is a smol bean birthday boy

aw hang in there

The old Victorian mansion calls you in the night, drawing you up the stairs to the boarded up attic. You pry at the entrance; the door creaks open. There’s a music box on the mantle, draped in cobwebs. With shaking hands you lift the lid…
🎶 Never gonna give you up 🎶

Baby bird *finishes hatching* Sorry… am I in a bowl of sticks? Am I in a fucking bowl of sticks a thousand feet off the ground right now, yes or no

ME: may I have a knife please?

WAITER: what kind of knife

ME:

WAITER:

ME: *prolonged eye contact* a very sharp knife

WAITER:

ME:

WAITER: no

Dracula turns into a bat to avoid detection or for selfish personal travel purposes, whereas I would turn into a bat to pollinate local plants and help balance our precious ecosystem. Just one of several ways that I am morally superior to Dracula.

big if true

Leonardo da Vinci drawing a near prefect recreation of a furby in one of his sketchbooks, then shaking his head, crumpling the paper and throwing it away in disgust before drawing a helicopter

Crow’s always sitting on top of a skull. You see a skull, pretty good chance there’s a crow on it. And I’m always like dude that’s pretty smooth for a seat, how you managing that? Let me see your talons dude

A squirrel eating a white mushroom on the ground

A squirrel eating a white mushroom on a log

A squirrel eating a white mushroom on a log

A squirrel eating a brown mushroom in a tree

I want you to know that squirrels eat mushrooms

Agree 100%, it’s great entertainment. Like The Bachelor or Is this cake? but dumber and potentially funnier

Stellar tweet Sir! Extremely funny and insightful as always 🚀✨

well if it isn’t my mortal enemy, A Task

Stop trying to scare me with the state of the world. I’m already scared about smaller, dumber things