Zack

non-euclitian space

Me: Where do the hipster skeletons ride roller coasters?
Wife: this is not the time for this the kitchen is literally on fire
Me: no it's at the "bony fair." Get it? Like bon iver? Hipsters used to love that!
Fireman: *yanks me out of the house by my shirt collar*

I like Panda Express orange chicken because it tastes a little bit like pussy

Very disappointed to find out that the 4K Alien restoration where Ripley's bush is out was a joke. I was saving up for it 🙁

My favorite one

Thank God all this shampooing is getting expensive

Inside me are two wolves and they both want me to jerk off

Does anyone know if there was a deleted scene in Alien where Ripley was wearing fishnets and picking up grapes with her toes or was that a dream?

You know God's a little jokester because he made a shmeat packing mofo like me have a regular kind of dick instead

When the mom from a Christmas story was dressed like a jester 😏

I'm sick and tired of every company tracking your web activity. Like I've never listened to Sabrina Carpenter in my life so why is she suddenly popping up on my Spotify recs right after I looked her up on wikifeet? 🤔

Visiting my parents for Christmas and they don't have bidets on their toilets I'm living in the fucking stone age kill me

They should invent a senator from texas who deserves to live

Leelee Sobieski needs to return to acting just so I have an excuse to say her name more often

For Christmas this year I want Santa to bring me the sense that I am enough as I am and I don't need external validation to love myself. And a vial of Lucy Liu's spit.

When that toe ring you know I'll pick up

Every now and then I remember Patricia Arquette in Lost Highway

Aurora borealis? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within my dream about Debby Harry where she's standing in my kitchen and I need to get into the drawer that she's standing in front of but I'm too afraid to say anything?

Stranger Things season 4 looks different than I remember

Desperate for a Pacifico pls with some lime and wife spit pls

I can never move to another country because where aside from America can you get such a great selection of Mexican beer?

Wondering if Zoe Kravitz can spread her toes to accommodate a cylinder with a roughly ~5 inch circumference

I don't care too much about a digital footprint. If a job doesn't want to hire me because I talk about communism and Hilary Duff's toes then that's not a job I want tbh

I'm just a vehicross in an aztek world

If I was murdered by Lucy Liu circa 2000 I think I would cum

Leaking copious amounts of pre-cum when my wife says we can go to the natural history museum for my birthday

Tis the season to watch Elf (2003)!

How dope would it be if cigarettes were good for you... Where's a genie when you need a wish?

Not basketballs, basket balls. My scrotum is shaped like a small vessel for carrying loose objects.

What if Halsey kissed my wife in front of me. How tragic and terrible that would be. Can you imagine? 🙂