Goddamnit Dave

I'll try not to post about Star Wars today, but I can't promise that a rogue one won't slip through.

All pants are tear away pants if you’re strong enough.

Me: *quiet quitting*

My boss: So. How's your first day going?

Me: I would love a robot to do my household chores

Them: Home maid?

Me: No, I'd definitely need to buy something like that.

New Years Resolutions:
Hit more curbs
Haunt more houses

Ghosts get their teeth cleaned by transcendental hygienists.

I've achieved many things in life, but it's in the bedroom where I really made my mark

- Mark's dad

With all the hype around the woman who slept with 100 guys in 1 day, I am inspired to sleep with 001 woman one day.

The only similarity I have with actor Chris Evans is my teeth. They were capped in America.

Me: Do people still write those interview question jokes?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

The Donner Party came up with the expression "chews company, freeze a crowd."

I buy my fruit online using papayapal

Except on Krypton

Me: Wouldn't adding coins make it harder to whistle?

Them: That's not what "pursing your lips" means.

I can no longer cite my favourite international news site. I have Reuters block.

One second cousin lives 50 miles East of me, another lives 50 miles West of me. They're my equidistant relatives.

Except on Krypton

Image description: This poem is presented in the form an excel spreadsheet, with words in each cell. The line ‘Our cells shall merge themselves together’ is in a longer merged cell, and there are filter arrows on the line ‘Remove this filter from my heart’. Love Excels Let's spread ourselves on sheets of love, and turn our data into poetry. Our cells shall merge themselves together as you wrap your text around me. Our sum is greater than our parts, let's crunch our figures without compunction. Remove this filter from my heart, you give me form and function. We shall frolic among the formulae, pivot our tables now and often. I will total all your rows and you can add my column. Brian Bilston

Today’s poem is called ‘Love Excels’.

Me: Wouldn't adding coins make it harder to whistle?

Them: That's not what "pursing your lips" means.

One second cousin lives 50 miles East of me, another lives 50 miles West of me. They're my equidistant relatives.

Me: I can identify a bird or a plane from afar.

Them: that's super man.

I can no longer cite my favourite international news site. I have Reuters block.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Four fingers in mouth as a way to whistle

Doing this to my butthole when I have to fart

Inside you are 2 wolf whistles

My wooden floors are charred and in favour of socialism. I shouldn't have used burny sanders.

A person sits in a subway car, dressed as a Christmas tree.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they're articles of clothing