I've got a dad back

They are hiring every Walter Peck they can find

Does anybody know if we have anything good happening ever again?

Pirate: (furious) who tf put a googly eye on me eye patch?!

I aspire to be the level of wealthy where I don’t need to worry about reusing ziplocks

If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be an Uzi or a shot gun, I’d be a super soaker

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel asinine 🎶

I’m not a complicated women. I see ‘90s Jeff Goldblum, I upvote ‘90s Jeff Goldblum

Guy (wearing ‘end is near’ sign): “The apocalypse is coming! Make sure you’re prepared!”

Me: “How can one prepare for the end of the world?”

Guy: …

Me: “Is it question of supplies, or are you speaking metaphysically?”

Guy: “Listen pal, this is my corner. Take your brand of crazy somewhere else.”

my body is a sophisticated machine that can turn money into taco bell

oh gross dude, what is this?? is this my own medicine? I hate that shit bro that's why I'm always giving it to other people!!

[concert]

singer: (shouting) i can’t hear you

me: (shouting back) it’s because of the music

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

the green duolingo owl raising its little wing and saying “let’s review your mistakes”

there isn’t enough time in the known universe to accomplish this task

Screenshot of my notes app that says "subtext and buttsex have the exact same letters in them." And it's true. They do.

Another thought I had that was too important not to jot down in the middle of the night

your honor, at the time of the incident my client was in "goblin mode" wiki How to Win in Small Claims Court

Time to hop in that abandoned cart and ride, singing "owner of a lonely cart, owner of a lonely cart" into the night

Paperwork is all slutty like "do me"

it takes 5 seconds for bacteria to climb onto the floor food because their leggies are so small

i wouldn’t even notice if someone stole my post as their own. you people need hobbies.

Every hand wringing article I see about Gen z is like; Gen z doesn't drink that much, Gen z doesn't gamble, Gen z goes to bed early... Maybe Gen z actually has their shit together and we should just leave them to it.

no one's siiick as gaston
no one's thicc as gaston
no one whips out their dick quite as quick as gaston

[Johnson's formulating adult shampoo]

no. let them cry.

Whether it's maps or lists of US presidents, the pattern in AI output is that things start off pretty normal but then are interrupted by a severe head injury

one thing that's making me feel particularly insane lately is how there is no longer any limit to the amount of wrong you can be

There's no “i” in team. Or “q” in basketball. Billy, your essay's a mess.

I'm all for transparency but last night as we were landing the captain announced "Sorry about that circle around folks we had a little too much altitude and I couldn't make the elevation requirement so we had to go back around and try that again" and look captain Tyler that's too much info ok

I should get to sleep. I have a long day of pretending to work tomorrow

earlier I prevented my baby from eating a leaf and then shortly thereafter fed her a bite of my salad and the affronted look she gave me was like something out of a caravaggio painting

[clears throat, steps up to mic]

Dean Cain’t.

If my posts are bad it's because I don't want to train the AI how to post good