I've got a dad back

This is like a high school party that gets busted by the cops and no one knows whose house to go to and dammit I threw out my four loko

BREAKING: living under the current administration is now classified as a chronic health condition. additionally, healthcare for that chronic condition is not allowed under the current administration

Trying to convince my manager that we can get pretty much anything we want from the campus within a year by just putting stickers that say “Property of Health & Safety Team, please contact [Manager’s Name] before moving.” With as much as things change around here, I’m pretty sure it would work.

plagiarizing the last 15 years of simpsons jokes because nobody’s ever heard them

If Democrats ever get power back, they should obliterate DHS entirely

Who needs sex when you have cool ranch doritos?

Therapist: *scribbling furiously*

When events line up to engender conditions that play to the Dems' one true strength (doing nothing), I am still terrified that they will somehow blow it anyway

If someone knocks on the bathroom door while I am using it, I cry out, "The ritual is not yet complete!"

Him:
You have such beautiful eyes!

Me:
Thank you! I use them for crying

My boss: so how's our fourth quarter looking?

Me, the sales manager at the company that makes inflatable frog suits: well, you're never going to believe this, but

real shitposters only use lower case because we are anti-capitalism

How hard do I have to shake the little glowing doom rectangle before dopamine comes out?

peter thiel (clutching chrome plated human skull) tell me oracle... does the world end in fire, or ice? the passionate flames of the activist thunberg, or the frozen doom yudkowski demands?

chatGPT: ✨ What a great question, Peter! ✨

Let's break that tough Q down 🕺, in your favorite epic style:

I trained an AI agent on edgelord comedy specials and now it just keeps saying

*slur* lmao

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

Meanwhile there are no less than 7 dads named Jeff on my daughter's field hockey team

Haven't met anyone named Geoff in a while. Maybe we've finally killed them all off.

My most hilarious posts get the fewest likes, it’s science.

Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!

My son came in and said, "I'm not saying it's humid out, but I just saw 5 old men in towels sitting on a bench in the cul de sac".

I just want to be the unhinged chick in people’s hearts.

Dear God: please stop letting them make King Kong and Godzilla movies, amen.

I am pretty pumped for today, gonna be 10/10

YouTube video by The Onion The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein

Welp, here it is: maybe the funniest thing we've ever done, in its entirety.

I’m sorry guys i just can’t do another social media move. If u dm me your address i will send my posts via usps.

My backyard pond just after sunrise on a chilly fall morning, surrounded by tall grasses and trees with autumn foliage. The sky is filled with soft pink, purple and orange clouds reflecting on the calm water, creating a peaceful and scenic view.

Working from home with this view. Productivity: 2%. Serenity: 100%.

Hands offa me I got something to say and you CAN'T GET MAD

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo.

Just know that your great grandparents are looking down at you from heaven feeling so proud of your butthole skeets

I can't post that thought, brain.