Native Minnow

Doctor: do you smoke or drink coffee
Me: I drink it you fuckwad

🎶🎂💰🎁🎉🎶

make sure you drink that up, the elves have spent all year working their tiny fingers to the bone nogging the eggs for us so we can have a little wrong milk for the holidays

Uuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh

There’s old. Then there’s “you have to buy a water pick to avoid bone loss in your teeth” old.

My dog, who put himself to bed without dinner, whimpered gratefully for a full minute when I brought his bowl to him.

Sir, I’ve never once made you go hungry.

Aggressively picking out the perfect gifts for loved ones. That's right fucko. It's incredible. I looked within your soul and saw what it would take to temporarily fill the emptiness that exists at your core. You can softly weep if you'd like.

Let's take this somewhere more comfortable (murky bog past the foreboding forest where we disappear forever)

I should be able to sue the tobacco company for false advertising. They promised me an early death.

Me: He’s a piece of shit.

Them: . . .

Me: She’s a piece of shit too.

Them: . . .

Me: Ok, I’m seeing a pattern. Maybe ‘tis I that’s the piece of shit.

It is newsworthy that the president of the United States is increasingly verbally abusive of women reporters and he should be asked about it.

It’s been a long time coming and was expected and he wasn’t the best person so we weren’t close

Made the mistake of not losing weight after my last family gathering and now my uncle is dead so good thing black is a slimming color

Went to see the play ‘A Christmas Carol,’ realized I’ve turned into a Scrooge, but I’m still broke so there’ll be no redemption in my character arc.

Perhaps I could have worded it better when I told my partner I couldn’t do what she asked me to because my new headphones are noise cancelling

P.S. sorry, I set your boyfriend on fire.

When I said I needed a night out I didn’t mean watching a game of pool at the Elks Lodge while a cover band played

I wonder if Santa still has a cigarette lighter in his sled

You were studying the blade. I was studying algebra. Turns out your thing was way more useful.

I’m just relieved Def Leppard didn’t make it into my Spotify Wrapped

I was super relieved Def Leppard didn’t make it into my top artists

Students be like,
“Hi professor, I’m so so sorry I cheated on the final paper by writing it with ChatGPT and I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY!

Anyway, is there any way I can get extra credit so I can still get a B? K thanx!”

Of course - Dammit

Venn diagram with two overlapping circles representing Bing Crosby and Stephen Miller and the area of overlap says “dreaming of a white Christmas”

Christmas Venn diagram

Didn’t send Xmas cards last year, and now I can’t remember which online printing service I used to order from, so may not be sending out cards this year either.

Rabbit, from the animated Winnie the Pooh, walking across a rug in his dressing gown. The robe is untied, and he has a hand (paw) to his temple, and he looks very tired.

Monday Mood
Not a-fucking-gain

My Father-In-Law passed away December 2024. It was a bittersweet Christmas for the family, dedicated to his memory. Personally, however, I was quietly pissed off at his timing. I had spent £209 on him for Christmas. Could have tried not dying until January at least, the bastard.

“That phone is too old!!!”

“Why doesn’t it have a case?!?”

“Who doesn’t immediately upgrade to our newest products??”

☠️☠️☠️

Pulled out my iPhone 11 with no protective phone case in an Apple Store yesterday and seven sales associates died immediately

🤞 🤞