That Dang Tanner, Trophy Ex-Wife 🗝

idk, i think one notification is all you really need AND you’re saving the planet

“ah yeah, you’re speaking my language” i say to the dog retching in the park

love is gross, i think we should take a third of the love songs and make them songs about the sea or weird bumps that you notice on your arm in the shower

Oh my God y'all today I had clients, spouses to one another, named Amandeep and Ramanpreet, and I think that's adorable 🥰

I'M WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT.

Thought you should know 🤷‍♀️

dentists don't want you to know this but if you fill your entire mouth up with toothpaste, you only have to brush once a month.

“After you namaste it’s time to namago” I say as the yoga class tosses me over a cliff

String theory, but it’s just me talking about how tampons are made

Last Christmas, i gave you my heart; please respond

Palisade fence/gates to a short alley - with old-timey light fixtures - called Gaslight Court. There's a person sitting on a chair outside the gate, and a traffic cone in the street.

We've never been here before - you're imagining it

According to my fitness app, I sat for 15 miles on my couch today.

Anxiety be like hey gurl you want a spicy tummyache

Googling for Goatse is the worst Michael Moore film

Words can hurt, so choose your words wisely you fuckin piece of shit

I definitely have room for more samosas in my life.

a man in a striped shirt and tie is standing in a hallway and says `` that 's a hot mess ! '' Alt: Jim Carrey in a striped shirt and tie is recoiling in horror and saying "that's a hot mess !"

Do I sometimes wear pajama pants and a badly stained hoodie with a hole in the elbow around the house all weekend because I don't feel like catching up on laundry? Sure. But do I *also* have salsa in my hair on a Monday night? Also yes, because why should today be any different?

Post your warning label

Watch out, they're coming for you.

Ugh. Relatable 😭

By the pain written all over your face 🤣

Bet you're thinking about me rn.

Doctor: you’re going to feel some pressure, ready?
Me: yes
Doctor: your parents are prouder of your sister than you

Can't argue that 🥰

Smoked tofu is actually my sandwich "cheese" LOL! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Absolutely!

Sadly I'm one of those irritating people who doesn't do dairy or meat 😕 😆

*muffuletta... dang voice-to-text!

Also, thanks for the recipe; I wanted to try making it this weekend since my first taste was store-bought.

So bizarre that the first time I've ever had muffaletta in my life was only about two weeks ago! I've had it on my sammies most days, since. It's the perfect sandwich lube! 🤣

black friday is right around the corner just waiting to shiv you and steal your wallet