Lock Wilford

I have the one hundred piece set, well 99 now

“absolute fucking garbage people,” you are welcome to board.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: do you know what marvel and insects have in common bc it’s a thor-axe

I'm better at remembering
-keys
-phone
-wallet
than remembering my kids names on the first try

Yes I did just make a Spam, egg, and cheese sandwich

Me, 5 minutes early: good morning

Boomer, showed up 7 minutes early: ohhh look who finally rolled out of bed

I'll settle for your passionate hatred for me

Time alone.

Pumpkin pie is one of my absolute favorites, and exactly

Fuck off

*finishing my espresso martini* Let's do this! *starts 80's music and grabs duster*

What about Santa sitting on my face? I mean that's certainly not kinky

I hope if you sit on a face tonight it’s a nice friendly face

attending a dillydally boot camp to awaken my inner lollygagger

interviewer: what are your greatest strengths

me: i’ve been doing kegels since i woke up

I'd say two decades

Where's the ICC when you need them

No judging, y'all saw the same fuckin headlines

BREAKING: tired old woman, born to frolic with woodland creatures, has to get up and go to work. AGAIN.

I use jazz hands to soften the blow of my insults.

Rip open the horizon and pull your soul out.

I think an espresso martini is appropriate

Bob is having some feels in my replies, let's give him some space

😂😂😂

Yesss

Is it too early to make a martini

No more news today for me, thanks

It's really come to this? Fuck this shit, I want off the planet now!

*passes you a lit joint* The world sucks