Mr. Bea Arthur, Batshit Crazy™️

Give me all your savoury pies.

Forgot my heating pad on the wild side.

*secretly replaces your chapstick with a glue stick*

I would say my most toxic quality is being subtly handsome

just a girl standing in front of bsky asking why everyone has gone to bed instead of staying up to play with her

Sometimes I feel bad that I replaced you and took over your life.
Then again, no one has ever noticed the difference and I don't even do a very good job at playing the part.

me: did you know garbanzo beans are a diuretic? but only for women.

wife:

me: yep. they make chicks pee.

wife:

Blues legend Smoky Chipotle

I'm on way more blocklists than I've subscribed to.

ME: ugh my old boss was such a micro manager

FRIEND: was? did he get fired?

ME: no i accidentally stepped on him

Feeling stymied this morning & then remembered that I once charmed—eye contact, head tilt, half smile—a disgruntled post office worker in Philadelphia.

Having sex with your best friend is also called Bestie-ality and it’s way more legal than the other kind.

Look, if I can hear you slurping your drink and chewing with your mouth open IN ANOTHER ROOM then you just have to accept that I'm thinking about the various ways to murder you. That's how it works.

Somedays I wish I had earlids.

My favorite number is still 69 because 2 girls and 1 guy isn't portrayed in simple mathematical terms yet...

Desperate times call for Desperate measures, but I hope it is never sleep with your ex desperate...

Reverse cowgirl, so I can be the lookout

ghosts don't trust em they never say goodbye

we need an america of the left

if you change your pfp and screen name at the same time you die in real life

the bsky vacation of your dreams (your bed in a pitch black room)

let's be honest when are we not phoning it in

I’m doing it right now

everything’s gonna be just okay

With this turtleneck and a Herbie Hancock song in my heart, I’ll always be one step ahead of the law

Tailoring...
It's not what it seams

If I don’t know the old house, I step where the nail heads are

Two sheep...
Perchance to dream

Tyson Furry

If you go down on a wine mom is it a wine tasting?

I think dirty baseball caps are so sexy when you’re doing getting dirty stuff. Like yeah babes put on your old hat and go work on your car. Gonna go fishin? Hell yeah put on that grimy sweat stained baseball cap you sexy manly motherfucker.

🥵