Craphound

Damnit, Janet?

“All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother.
This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother...

you can’t sit in a recliner until you have clined the first time

The person who invented the video game joystick has disappeared, they down right up and left.

Woke up today and chose biscuits and gravy, then violence

The older we get the more straight lines have appeal and on every level this saddens me

This is a cry for help isn’t it

dubai chocolate??? yes, i DO BUY chocolate. [the crowd boos, before rolling me up in a carpet and throwing me off a bridge]

Most of us will never be more creative than we are while pooping.

Remember that when I send you great ideas.

Me: Are you there god, it’s me, Margaret.
God: You’re not Margaret.
Me:
God:
Me: OK I didn’t think you’d respond. I’m doing karaoke.

……… 4 minutes of awful Piano Man ……..

Me: GOD WAIT
Me: Will Beanie Babies come back?

Each time I get off the Acela I feel a disappointment that Sir Topham Hatt is not there to greet me and cement my belief in the inevitable return of a portly aristocratic duncery.

Win-win for me and your houseplants

Wife: [reading article] Did you know your brain can protect you from trauma?
Me: cool
Wife: Like it can literally block a traumatic memory
Me: awesome
Wife: Remember when I cheated on you with Carrot Top
Me: lovely weather today

Hahaha you realize the only way to test if Tuesday is the variable that angers it is to …

In fairness, joyous hot beef seems to do the same thing; at least in my experience

angry customers taking Apple™️ satisfaction surveys are iRate i don’t even care anymore send post😫

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology!

Me: Are there any jays?

Host: No sorry

Me: I'd like to buy an owl

Shaman: Everything that exists started as someone's dream!

Me (looking at an Arby's): Ok

Sometimes I go on diets and I don’t see any results. That is the most difficult hour of my life.

Some of my best ideas come to me on the toilet.

Like the idea to buy toilet paper.

Somewhere in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken, I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Nostalgia is wearing rose-colored glasses on the back of your head.

"Their food sucks!"
"Yeah, but the service is great."

i promise you won't regret following me unless you're like the kind of person who reads the posts of people you follow then yeah ok you might regret it

PLAYING CARDS: As everybody knows there are four basic shapes; Diamonds, Hearts, Clubs, & Spades. Numbers go from two to king except for one, which is the highest number except for sometimes. Okay, so there are these two clowns you're gonna wanna ignore...

EVERYBODY: yes, this all seems reasonable

don’t talk to me until i’ve had my revenge

people are often shocked by how bad i am at my job as an electrician

People who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day.

Him: wanna have sex
Me: I need to see what you look and sound like when you sneeze first

Therapist: I think you suffer from selective hearing, you only hear what you want to hear

Me: no, you’re the best