eleni

therapy is nice but only for me because i dont want therapist validating the assholes around me like no ma'am u dont get it they sucked so back

the relief when u find out ur Instacart shopper is a female 🙏🏻

oh to be something that exists solely to be hot and also eat people

every few years im just reminded of how absolutely attractive sirens are

i hate how trendy vegan leather is like y'all know that means plastic right

the titanic sank because jack and rose had premarital sex

oooh i didn’t realize. sorry

i also work tmr morning btw

this will either kill my cold or kill myself, regardless the cold will no longer be an issue

i just popped two Buckley nighttime pills and a 10mg edible

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for paranormal activity

just heard the doctor tell the smaller doctors completely wrong info LMAO

do u ever see such a chronically online take that ur like yeah i need to log off for a bit before i become that

me passing someone: u slow bitch

me being passed: ok speed racer

for the lack of password diversity i have u would think i would press "forgot my password" less often. and yet

i don’t know who needs to hear this but i’m gonna go find out, will report back soon

Ritual bloodletting is still part of the doctor experience. Oh you’re “doing tests” on it? To me it’s just Missing

If you cut the roof off of Baba Yaga’s hut it can still run around for several minutes, but this is only a reflex action of the house’s nerves, not magic (as previously believed)

we are all made of stardust and microplastics ✨

i cant afford paper bags in this economy so ive had to start heavy breathing into ziploc sandwich bags

nothing has come of my schemes but i'll keep going

You cure ham. Ham cures you. It's the ham cycle

the year is 2050. crime is legal. non-crime is illegal. welcome to crime world

please leave your screams at the beep

i do think it's important to donate to wikipedia and i want them to have a little walkin around money

rotating yourself like a rotisserie chicken to get all that gas out

It is vital that we give big ai trillions of dollars and let them burn through billions of cubic feet of natural gas per day so that students are able to get a passing grade without having to learn anything

A thing that i believe about myself is that I'm the perfect amount of woke. If you're less woke than me you need to fix your heart and if you're more woke than me your friends and neighbors probably find you a little fatiguing