Osiris Ani

Lactose intolerance? That sounds like a skill issue, bro.

(I personally lack that skill, but thankfully there are pills to accommodate that.)

Sir, you are out of control.

I will die on this hill.

[blushes]

If they really wanted to win, they would’ve put more effort into having been born earlier. Losers.

That’s almost the entire game plan of the far right, except that the list also includes minorities and other historically marginalized people. A certain demographic used to be able to confidently tell themselves, “at least, as far as society is concerned, I’m in a better position than the riffraff.”

It has become completely unironic that a bunch of self-admitted TERFs are perfectly fine with incidentally harming biological women, and simply considering it collateral damage.

…so it’s perfectly aligned with the company’s core principles, is what you’re saying.

Preserved, preferably, but honestly, either way would suffice.

If/when I die, I want my brain put into a robot body, regardless of whether or not the technology exists for my brain to actually control that body or even interact with it in any meaningful way.

I just think it would be cool.

TL;DR — In terms of quality assurance, people who refer to themselves as “alphas” are defective.

I, a grown man, am beyond the point of general-availability. I’ve been patched, repeatedly, get regular feature and security updates, and am generally well-maintained.

…like, only slightly buggy.

By the cusp of adulthood, people should’ve progressed to at least the beta or release candidate versions of themselves.

I’m in IT, so when I see someone describe themselves as an alpha, I interpret that to mean that they’re failure-prone, feature-incomplete, and basically not ready for public consumption.

If you don’t get to be a spooky skeleton, then what is even the point of dying?

New conversational tactic: Begin a statement with the phrase, “with all due respect,” and then end it with something that’s actually objectively respectful.

Boom. They won’t know what hit ‘em.

I still own one of those; I cherish it.

Whenever I buy a new device that comes with a USB charger, it's very important to me that it will fit into the drawer with the two dozen other USB chargers that I probably won't ever use.

Hey... I'm not saying this to be racist, but [deep breath] cats are generally adorable, and I love them. That's just how it is, and I don't care what the liberal media has to say about it.

Boom.

#MicDrop

“Thank you for holding. We are experiencing higher than expected call volume, but…”

Quiet, you; we both know that isn’t true. Now just put “Opus No. 1” back on, because that’s my jam.

…or so I’ve heard.

It’s *super* secret, I guess.

#gimmethepanda

• No amount of forcefully banging on the counter, rapping your keys on the drive-thru window, or honking your horn in the parking lot while shouting, “gimme that panda!” will unlock the secret menu.

• Calling corporate about the secret menu will not help the situation.

Facts of note:

• There is no panda on the Panda Express menu.

• There is also no panda on their secret menu.

• They will insist that they don’t even have a secret menu.

...and maybe tell them that you want an apple with that. Stay healthy.

Is it just me, or has Panera gotten weird for you, too?

Ugh, what an ordeal. Please, people, heed my advice— if someone offers you a puzzle box that opens a portal to Hell, you just say to them, “does it come with the Frontega Chicken Panini? Because what I ordered was the Frontega Chicken Panini.”

Also, “no, thank you.”

“I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.”