Gerpa Goods

📢 It's official! Gerpa Goods employees voted UNANIMOUSLY to discontinue their own healthcare! 🥳

This decision came as a direct response to people who are NOT current employees of Gerpa Goods STEALING employee benefits! Gross! 🤮

Thanks team for your very courageous sacrifice! 🙌🎉

🚨 Gerpa Goods is shutting down and it's ALL YOUR FAULT. #governmentshutdown #gerpagoodsshutdown

🔮 Scientists are LYING to you: leaves don’t fall on their own. They respond to PURCHASES. 🍂

At Gerpa Goods, every Autumnal item you buy strengthens the veil between this world and the pumpkin dimension. Skip a purchase, and risk eternal summer. ☀️ (Nobody wants that.)

Listen to this ad. It cannot lie to you.

Only Disney deserves wieners.

Gerpa Goods Sets New Standard in Radical Transparency with Bold Self-Reporting Campaign — Gerpa Goods Discover how Gerpa Goods redefines business transparency with its outrageous self-reporting initiative, blending corporate accountability, compliance theater, and satirical deportation discourse — all...

🚨 New Blog Alert! 🚨

"To be clear, we do not currently deport our employees — largely because we have no legal authority to do so. But if such authority were hypothetically granted to us via a hastily-signed executive order written on the back of a Cheesecake Factory receipt, we would..."

Thank you for bringing attention to this terrible decline. Tesla is beautiful and we need to save them from extinction. Please contribute anything you can.

Elon we asked Arthur Ingles to draft a new Tesla prototype and we just need a quick green light because these honnies are ready for production xoxoxo

@qatar.bsky.social please consider gifting Gerpa Goods a big jet so that we can sell more goods to more people for more money.

The Governor's Ball is NOT the place for Les Misérables! How many lives can a single song ruin during the hours of 9-5? Check out this WORK APPROPRIATE AND APPROVED version of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" It's a win-win for everyone involved! 🙌 #productivity

Employee Services — Gerpa Goods Insert SEO description here about how great our Gerpa amployees are. Ugh, or something.

Hey all of you recently-laid-off Federal Employees: Gerpa Goods is hiring! Check out some of the sweet benefits that you'll receive as part of our award-winning team:

Here at Gerpa Goods we rely on morons to staff our factories! 💪💪💪

Wow it's time for news outlets to stop oppressing CEOs. Why should Melon be required to "publicly disclose his financial information like every other senior official in the White House"?? SOUNDS LIKE A WITCH HUNT.

Love to see it! The American Dream states that corporations should be able to govern themselves! There's literally nothing in the Constitution that says otherwise 🦅🦅🦅

If we have to afford it then we don’t deserve it 💔

We can only hope to gain access to Disney Haven Premium! 👏

The good thing about lying is, if you're insanely wealthy, there are no consequences! #DaddyTrump

Parody of Elon Musk's email about federal employees needing to justify their work. This one says "How many bathroom breaks did you take last week?"

⚠️ GERPA ALERT ⚠️
Please email us how many bathroom breaks you took last week! Gerpa Goods can no longer be responsible for any non-work-related time that you clock! FAILURE TO RESPOND WILL RESULT IN YOUR IMMEDIATE TERMINATION.

🐷🐷🐷

Apple drops encryption feature for UK users after government reportedly demanded backdoor access Apple says it will stop offering an advanced data security option for British users after the government reportedly demanded that the company provide backdoor access for any data those users have stor...

Good riddance! Safety costs too much money! Here at Gerpa Goods, we don't care about peace of mind: we have massive amounts of wealth instead!

Elon Musk may be on the brink of achieving the impossible: Salvaging his $44 billon investment in X | CNN Business In October 2022, Elon Musk paid $44 billion to buy Twitter – almost certainly an overpayment – and he promptly made significant changes that plunged the company into chaos and sent its ad business and...

We love you, Amazon and Apple! 📦🍎 Stay strong against the haters: as long as you keep pouring money into definitively bad things, there's literally no stopping you! Always remember: a happy consumer is a resigned consumer!

Here at Gerpa Goods we love when another corporation wins the day! 💪 #solidarity #corporationsarevictimstoo

But it's *our* embarrassing country 🥰🥰

One of our top mantras here at Gerpa Goods is “wield thy censorship before thy trouser zip!”

The best kind of rules are the ones you can rewrite whenever you want!

As a company we take pride in the fact that our board members cash in while quality checks clock out! 💰

That's why here at Gerpa Goods, we fly #Boeing

T he
R eality
U nfolds
T hen
H ides

What 150-year-olds SHOULD be doing is SHOPPING with all that extra cash 💰💰💰

Let the Gerpa flow through you ⬇️
www.gerpagoods.com

Did you know? By driving your employees to the brink of soul-scorching existential burnout, you're ACTUALLY providing them with an amazing opportunity: a chance at true happiness. #worktips #lifehack