cella

My autocorrect just changed Men to Meh and I gotta agree

Friend: Your cat looks like he’s wearing socks. Is his name “Socks”?

Me, not listening: Who’s the best little man? Is it Generalissimo Pantaloons?

might fuck around and drop a piano on the next person who says everything happens for a reason

Your honor my ponytail was too high and tight that day

I am become Death, bassist for the Wyld Stallyns

Got banned from Tinder for sacrificing to many men on first dates to appease The Great Ones

Yeah I multitask. I can listen to my kid talk about Roblox, zone out, and reply with “Oh my gosh, no way” or “Wow, that’s crazy.”

It’s slow at work so I figured I’d perfect my art. I call this:

Jabbavocado the Hutt on Toast

The necessity to call someone a fuck wad because of their ignorant reply hasn't occurred here and it's kind of bittersweet

Sigmund Freud: [observing hot dog eating contest] I SAID DOES ANYONE HAVE ANOTHER NOTEBOOK

Sure, I’m into weed. Yeah, as in we’ed all like you to sit down. This is an intervention

mastodon watching me download another twitter replacement

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Three’s Company is like Friends reruns but in the 80’s and funny.

mmmm…curdles

he was a hater, boy
a limit your rate-r boy

June 30th July 1st

welcome to all new bluesky users. please keep in mind that it is still in beta. there are many features still missing, so please be patient. for example, you may notice that this app loads posts and then shows them to you, instead of not doing that for some reason.

you’ll have to pry my bad decisions from my cold dead hands

You think my freckles are cute but they’re actually tiny teardrop tattoos for every sunbeam I’ve ever killed

me: excuse me, garçon? this after-dinner mint is TOO spicy

waiter: sir is eating a lit candle

Box of magic spoon cereal

You, unenlightened: big spoon or little spoon?

Me, breakfast sorcerer:

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Hummel figurine boy talking on the phone. He looks angry. He is standing next to a Hummel girl who is focused on her knitting.

“She says she doesn’t want to fuckin’ talk to you.”

When you’re looking for your friend but they have different profile pictures on different platforms

That’s it. I’m going back to Candy Crush.

it’s not that at all. it’s your personality.