Lance Said This

I have to admit, I'm kind of afraid of heights. Not that thrilled with depths either. Come to think of it, the ground is pretty lousy too.

I want the waiter adding parmesan to my dish to have all the enthusiasm of the Hawk Tuah girl.

All of Bourbon Street smells like that drink regurgitated.

That's it, I'm running for Congress. Not that I have great ideas on how to fix things, but I do feel very overqualified for getting paid to do nothing.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

My organs have failed to live up to my expectations.

I have a fondness for jaundice

Baseball playoffs starts today and if the Dodgers win, then all is right in the world!

Except for, you know, all the other crappy things still going on in the world.

It's weird to think that in today's world, Martin Luther King would be a podcaster.

It's the first night of Fall! And after a few drinks I'll have my first fall of the night!

a bald man in a white shirt and black tie is holding a brush . ALT: a bald man in a white shirt and black tie is holding a brush .

Disney tomorrow:

Dallas is going to lose to the lowly Chicago Bears, but the Cowboys are so bad right now, they could lose to the Charmin Bears.

I was so frustrated when I woke up this morning because I was dreaming I was about to go eat a sandwich I remembered I had put in the fridge in a previous dream.

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

If this shirt stays this clean by the end of dinner it's because he used the Constitution as a bib.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn't understand how cars worked before...

In Canadian Football, it's considered rude to decline a penalty.

There's a service dog in this restaurant and he's terrible. Hasn't even refilled my water glass once.

So great that RFK is making companies return to using sugar instead of that artificial fructose corn syrup. It's the same reason why I'm giving up crystal meth for that good ol' natural cocaine.

This container of ice cream I just bought says "best by November 21, 2025." Uh, buddy, that could've said "best by this afternoon" and we'd still be okay.

Just a reminder, you didn't have an "accident" if the intent was to crap your pants all along.

Funny how we're all celebrating our "labor" this weekend, considering what crappy employees we've become ever since we discovered Social Media.

When do we get to start blinding people with science.

omg I boiled your daughter’s pet rabbit as a joke calm down

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth & taste
Been around for a long year
Stole many man's soul & faith
I was around when Jesus Christ
Had His moment of doubt & pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands & sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope u guess my name

ME: Gary?

Him: Well, if you ask me-

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I can't think of a more appropriately named business than Crackerbarrel.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I know people don't like it if someone burns the Flag, but what if I just put one in the microwave and warm it up?