William Stone

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a 1080 Christ Air over the bull ring

You never see recluses anymore

I'm sorry Matt, I am a big fan of your comedy and have seen you live several times and always enjoyed your material but I cannot see your face without hearing "chicken will be ready in 5 minutes". Hope this is useful x

Scrolled so far on instagram I went all the way back to the 70s

Live comedy gigs this coming week

Fathers for JustEat

The Assassination of My Bank Balance by the Coward Delicious Pints.

Live comedy gigs this coming week

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

Sad how we live in a world where someone can get paid for an article about how they never wash their bread knife yet nobody will pay for my screenplay Phantom of the Airport (a disfigured man lives in the eaves of Gatwick Airport, visits a flight attendant in her dreams and teaches her to fly 747s).

During my time as an explorer I visited over a thousand islands and almost all of them used the same dressing.

You'd think AI would be smarter considering it has the same initials as Albert Inestein 🙄

He did what now??

a man with a beard and a scarf around his head looks at the camera ALT: a man with a beard and a scarf around his head looks at the camera

Fremen’s reaction to me describing the floor of a South Western train toilet.

Trying to figure out how every scaffolding company in Brighton has access to my self-tape audition calendar.

Turned down the part of Narcissus because I refuse to put on weight for a role

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of ..

*BORAT VOICE*

my wife

I've always maintained I've never been hypnotised but then again how do I know

I often think about that Mark Twain quote "comparison becomes the end of joy". Obviously im paraphrasing, he probably put it a lot better

Humans advanced faster due to the evolution of opposable thumbs which enabled them to hitchhike long before other species.

Just watched Nonnas on Netflix and can confirm it passes the bechamel test

Who punishes someone like this???

I don't like spending time with my grandparents because they remind me of my own mortality. Which I would argue is not dinner table conversation

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

I have a friend in Glasgow who I imagine will love this, thanks for sharing.

Starting to call closeted homophobes "frenemies of Dorothy"

It's 20 degrees and I just got out of the sea. Im calling an early spring

The trouble with growing up near a light house is I can only get to sleep if the light is on. Then off. Then on.