Fomonster Simpson 🎃

I asked the best way to cook brussel sprouts and I’m getting roasted in the comments

This heat wave is wrecking the grand opening of my sauna and hot drink store.

Here I am, pop and lock me like a hurricane.

FREE LINK YOU MONSTERS

*roll call in a classroom*

Teacher: Brody?

Brody: Here.

Teacher: Hailey?

Hailey: Here.

Teacher: 1980s German glam metal band Scorpions?

Scorpions: Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.

Steve Miller dating profile

User name
Space Cowboy

Seeking
Gangster of Love

Bio
Letting the spirit carry me

City
Phoenix, Az all the way to Tacoma

Job
Joker/smoker/midnight toker

Dislikes
Jet airliners carrying me too far away

Likes
Loving peaches
Shaking trees
Maurice

the old world order is crumbling and all I got was this lousy social media presence

you may be "in the know"
but i'm "in the no"

You've heard of cocaine bear and cocaine shark, let me introduce you to the most destructive monster yet, COCAINE GOVERNMENT!

Be the "ghost that haunts these hallowed halls" that you want to see in this world

"you just post for attention!"
im sorry was there another type of posting

My date said she wanted “someone stable.”
So I sent her a photo of a horse.
She blocked me.
The horse didn’t.

Good morning. For anyone that needs to hear this:

Boobytrap spelled backwards is partyboob.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

What bass is it when you mix up sports/sex format jokes with music ones?

It's the last day of September. If you were ever going to drop that "Wake me up when September ends" skeet, now's the time.

No more Mr Nice Try*

*fails spectacularly

it would be nice to have a big spoon sometimes

𝐄𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐭 𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬.

funny thing about moving to Seattle is there's a 5% surcharge on your state taxes if you can't name 3 Nirvana songs

can’t tell if it’s a yearning or a longing or a fart.

I'm discombobulated a lot, but it's ok...it's my second home.

parents: YOURE GROUNDED

electrician: oh heck yeah

enough dicks, it’s time for pussy shaped microphones

“YOUR COOKING SMELLS GOOD” i yell into the neighborhood

*flirts with you the entire apocalypse*

(In my coffin)

I’m so tired.

can’t watching regular degular right wing dads melt the fuck down over on youtube

The military is now required to receive quarterly spray on bronzer to demonstrate their patriotism

You don’t scare me. I used to hold the flashlight for my dad